David D Writer

WHY MY PAYDAY FEELS LIKE A TRAILER FOR ANOTHER FINANCIAL DISASTER MOVIE Payday is supposed to feel like a victory parade. You know, that euphoric moment when your bank account pings, and you imagine yourself sipping champagne while your investments multiply effortlessly. But in my life, payday feels less like triumph and more like the opening scene of a financial disaster movie, complete with ominous music, dramatic zoom-ins on my dwindling account balance, and suspenseful staring contests with my budget planner. .

THE DAY I TRIED USING AI TO PICK STOCKS AND IT TOLD ME TO PRAY I have always considered myself moderately intelligent, especially when it comes to financial matters. I read articles, followed market trends, understood terms like diversification, ETFs, dividend yield, and capital gains, and occasionally pretended to understand cryptocurrency. So naturally, when I heard that AI could pick stocks better than any human, I thought, “Finally, the stock market oracle I’ve been waiting for.” .

HOW MY FRIEND’S BUDGET PLANNER LOOKED LIKE A CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION BOARD I always thought budgeting was supposed to be practical, simple, maybe even a little boring. You know: income, expenses, maybe a pie chart that makes you feel accomplished for a second. But my friend’s approach to financial planning? Oh no. That was something else entirely. It was as if she had taken a financial spreadsheet and transformed it into a crime scene investigation board, complete with string, sticky notes, and a look of pure terror in her eyes. .

THE DAY MY BANK FRAUD ALERT SAVED ME FROM MY OWN ONLINE SHOPPING HABIT I always thought bank fraud alerts were there to protect me from hackers, identity thieves, and sophisticated cybercriminals—people in hoodies, sitting in dark rooms, typing with sinister speed. But I learned, in the most humiliating way possible, that sometimes your greatest enemy is your own impulsive spending habit. .

THE DAY MY BANK FRAUD ALERT SAVED ME FROM MY OWN ONLINE SHOPPING HABIT I used to believe that bank fraud alerts existed to protect people from criminals, hackers, and sophisticated digital thieves who hide in basements wearing hoodies and typing aggressively. But then I realized something: My real financial enemy wasn’t a hacker. My real financial enemy was me — specifically, the version of me who shops online at 2:17 AM with emotional instability, zero self-control, and a belief that “free shipping” means “financial blessing.” .

WHY MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT IS PRACTICING SOCIAL DISTANCING FROM MONEY If money truly talks, then my own money must be whispering, because I clearly never hear from it. In fact, at this point, I’m convinced my savings account has developed a global pandemic-level commitment to social distancing from actual funds. I open my banking app the same way people open horror movie doors—slowly, carefully, prayerfully, and hoping the villain isn’t waiting behind it. But there it is. .