David D Writer

WHY MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT IS PRACTICING SOCIAL DISTANCING FROM MONEY If money truly talks, then my own money must be whispering, because I clearly never hear from it. In fact, at this point, I’m convinced my savings account has developed a global pandemic-level commitment to social distancing from actual funds. I open my banking app the same way people open horror movie doors—slowly, carefully, prayerfully, and hoping the villain isn’t waiting behind it. But there it is. .

HOW I LEARNED THAT ETF DOESN’T MEAN “EXTRA TACO FUND” I need to confess something before the Federal Reserve raids my house: for the longest time, I sincerely believed that ETF meant Extra Taco Fund. Yes. A grown adult male who has watched multiple YouTube videos about “building long-term wealth through passive income” still thought an ETF was the financial version of a lunch allowance. .

MY COUSIN’S INSURANCE POLICY THAT ONLY COVERS EMOTIONAL DAMAGE I thought I understood insurance. I thought I knew what it meant to protect your assets, your car, your home, even your very soul from the unpredictable chaos of the modern world. I was wrong. I learned, in the most spectacularly ridiculous way, that insurance policies can be more absurd than a clown convention in Times Square. My cousin, a man of questionable wisdom but undeniable charm, once proudly announced he had purchased an insurance policy that covered one thing and one thing only: emotional damage. .

THE DAY I APPLIED FOR A CREDIT CARD AND GOT APPROVED FOR HUMILITY INSTEAD I woke up that Tuesday morning feeling unstoppable. I was convinced I could conquer the world of personal finance. I had dreams of a shiny new credit card, the kind that screams “financial responsibility” but secretly whispers, “Buy all the gadgets you’ve been dreaming of!” I imagined myself swiping it confidently at every store, accumulating rewards points, cashback, and elite status. Little did I know, the universe had a different plan—one that involved a crash course in humility, embarrassment, and existential reflection. --- THE SPARKLING PROMISE OF FINANCIAL FREEDOM I had always admired credit cards. They are the adult version of a golden ticket. The brochures promised low interest rates, no annual fees for the first year, exclusive rewards, and VIP perks. I thought, “Finally, I can build my credit score, earn cashback, and still maintain my impeccable style.” .

MY HILARIOUS ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND MORTGAGE RATES IN 2026 I have always prided myself on being financially literate. Or at least, I thought I was. I mean, I can balance a bank account, understand credit card statements, and even buy stocks without crying too much. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the epic, life-altering, brain-melting experience of trying to understand mortgage rates in 2026. .

HOW MY UNCLE JOINED FOREX TRADING AND TURNED OUR WIFI INTO A WAR ZONE If peace had a physical form in my house, it packed its bags and left the very day my uncle discovered forex trading, online investment platforms, and the “life-changing potential of digital finance.” Before that, our home was calm, peaceful, and beautifully quiet—the kind of place where the Wi-Fi password was shared freely, like love and air. But then my uncle watched one motivational YouTube video, and instantly believed he was the next global financial genius. Those videos with titles like: .