David D Writer

HOW MY COWORKER BOUGHT ONE STOCK AND STARTED ACTING LIKE WARREN BUFFETT It all began on a perfectly ordinary Monday morning, the kind of morning where coffee is the only thing keeping humanity from spontaneously combusting. My coworker, let’s call him Greg, strolled into the office with a look of pure enlightenment, as if he had just discovered the secrets of the universe—or maybe the secrets of stock investing, which in Greg’s mind were basically the same thing. .

THE DAY MY FINANCIAL ADVISOR TOLD ME TO STOP TAKING ADVICE FROM YOUTUBE GURUS It all began on a quiet Thursday morning when I thought I had cracked the code to financial freedom. I had watched no fewer than seventeen YouTube videos by self-proclaimed financial gurus who claimed they could turn three dollars into a million in ninety-six hours. According to them, all I needed was “strategic side hustling,” “cryptocurrency hacks,” and a sprinkle of “law of attraction wealth magic.” I was ready. I was motivated. I was borderline delusional. .

I TRIED APPLYING FOR A MORTGAGE ONLINE AND THE CALCULATOR LAUGHED AT ME It all started one ordinary Tuesday. I was feeling ambitious, caffeinated, and dangerously optimistic about my adulting skills. I decided it was finally time to apply for a mortgage online. My plan was simple: enter a few numbers, click a button, and emerge victorious as the proud owner of a charming suburban home with white picket fences, a perfectly manicured lawn, and a mailbox that actually worked. Simple, right? Oh, how naïve I was. .

  WHY MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT IS GHOSTING ME LIKE A BAD DATE I opened my savings account with dreams, hopes, and a strong belief that financial freedom would one day text me “Hey, we should meet up.” But apparently, my savings account missed the memo about commitment. Every month, I log in, and it’s like texting someone you met on a dating app only to realize they’ve changed their number, moved to another city, and adopted a cat without telling you. My money is doing the ghosting, and I am left swiping left on my financial life. .

MY FRIEND’S RIDICULOUS CRYPTO PORTFOLIO THAT LOOKS LIKE A COMEDY MOVIE TRAILER I have a friend—let’s call him Dave, because irony loves to have names—and his crypto portfolio is the stuff of legends. It isn’t just an investment strategy. No. It’s a full-blown comedy movie trailer playing 24/7 in real life. Picture the dramatic music, the sudden zoom-in, the suspenseful voice-over narrating his every financial misstep. I’ve watched it, I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt, and yet I cannot look away. .

THE DAY I TRIED USING A CREDIT CARD REWARD STRATEGY AND ENDED UP REWARDING THE BANK INSTEAD I woke up that morning with confidence and the kind of financial optimism usually reserved for lottery winners checking their numbers. Today was going to be different. I had a strategy—a foolproof, meticulously researched, financially brilliant plan involving my credit card rewards. I would earn points, get cashback, and simultaneously feel like a personal finance guru. Spoiler alert: the bank got rewarded, I got lessons in humility, and my sense of financial competence left town faster than my last paycheck. .