David D Writer

THE DAY MY BANK FRAUD ALERT SAVED ME FROM MY OWN ONLINE SHOPPING HABIT I used to believe that bank fraud alerts existed to protect people from criminals, hackers, and sophisticated digital thieves who hide in basements wearing hoodies and typing aggressively. But then I realized something: My real financial enemy wasn’t a hacker. My real financial enemy was me — specifically, the version of me who shops online at 2:17 AM with emotional instability, zero self-control, and a belief that “free shipping” means “financial blessing.” .

WHY MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT IS PRACTICING SOCIAL DISTANCING FROM MONEY If money truly talks, then my own money must be whispering, because I clearly never hear from it. In fact, at this point, I’m convinced my savings account has developed a global pandemic-level commitment to social distancing from actual funds. I open my banking app the same way people open horror movie doors—slowly, carefully, prayerfully, and hoping the villain isn’t waiting behind it. But there it is. .

HOW I LEARNED THAT ETF DOESN’T MEAN “EXTRA TACO FUND” I need to confess something before the Federal Reserve raids my house: for the longest time, I sincerely believed that ETF meant Extra Taco Fund. Yes. A grown adult male who has watched multiple YouTube videos about “building long-term wealth through passive income” still thought an ETF was the financial version of a lunch allowance. .

MY COUSIN’S INSURANCE POLICY THAT ONLY COVERS EMOTIONAL DAMAGE I thought I understood insurance. I thought I knew what it meant to protect your assets, your car, your home, even your very soul from the unpredictable chaos of the modern world. I was wrong. I learned, in the most spectacularly ridiculous way, that insurance policies can be more absurd than a clown convention in Times Square. My cousin, a man of questionable wisdom but undeniable charm, once proudly announced he had purchased an insurance policy that covered one thing and one thing only: emotional damage. .

THE DAY I APPLIED FOR A CREDIT CARD AND GOT APPROVED FOR HUMILITY INSTEAD I woke up that Tuesday morning feeling unstoppable. I was convinced I could conquer the world of personal finance. I had dreams of a shiny new credit card, the kind that screams “financial responsibility” but secretly whispers, “Buy all the gadgets you’ve been dreaming of!” I imagined myself swiping it confidently at every store, accumulating rewards points, cashback, and elite status. Little did I know, the universe had a different plan—one that involved a crash course in humility, embarrassment, and existential reflection. --- THE SPARKLING PROMISE OF FINANCIAL FREEDOM I had always admired credit cards. They are the adult version of a golden ticket. The brochures promised low interest rates, no annual fees for the first year, exclusive rewards, and VIP perks. I thought, “Finally, I can build my credit score, earn cashback, and still maintain my impeccable style.” .

MY HILARIOUS ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND MORTGAGE RATES IN 2026 I have always prided myself on being financially literate. Or at least, I thought I was. I mean, I can balance a bank account, understand credit card statements, and even buy stocks without crying too much. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the epic, life-altering, brain-melting experience of trying to understand mortgage rates in 2026. .