David D Writer

MY FRIEND’S FAKE FINANCIAL GURU ADVICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE ASTROLOGY I have met many questionable people in my life, but nothing prepared me for the day my friend, Kelvin, decided he was now a “Financial Guru.” He didn’t read a finance book. He didn’t take an online course. He didn’t watch a YouTube tutorial. He simply woke up one morning, wore a turtle-neck sweater, downloaded a stock-market wallpaper, and declared himself the “Oracle of Wealth Creation.” .

HOW MY TAX CONSULTANT LOOKED AT MY RECEIPTS AND WHISPERED “OH LORD” I have experienced many terrifying things in adulthood, including checking my bank account balance after “just a little online shopping,” opening my crypto wallet after a market crash, and calculating how much money I’ve spent on food delivery in a single month. But nothing — absolutely nothing — prepared me for the moment my tax consultant looked at my pile of receipts, removed his glasses slowly like a disappointed professor, and whispered, “Oh Lord.” At that moment, I knew two things: 1. My financial life was a comedy show with no commercial breaks. 2. I should have majored in accounting instead of pretending financial literacy was something optional. .

THE DAY I INVESTED IN A STARTUP THAT SOLD MOTIVATIONAL WATER I have made several questionable financial decisions in my life, but none compares to the day I invested in a startup that sold Motivational Water. Yes, water. Liquid. H₂O. The same thing that falls from the sky for free but is somehow worth millions when packaged with inspiration. The idea came to me at 3 a.m., which, as research shows, is the exact hour when financially unstable people make bold business decisions. I was scrolling through articles about “High-Income Online Opportunities” and “Passive Income Strategies for Wealth Creation,” when an advert popped up: .

WHY MY EMERGENCY FUND NOW NEEDS ITS OWN EMERGENCY FUND I always believed that having an emergency fund would make me feel like a responsible adult. Financial experts everywhere kept chanting the same gospel: “Save three to six months of expenses! Build a financial safety net! Protect your financial future!” .

HOW MY CRYPTO WALLET LOST WEIGHT FASTER THAN MY GYM MEMBERSHIP If you ever thought financial crises were slow, torturous experiences, you clearly haven’t met cryptocurrency. My crypto wallet lost more weight in a week than I did during my six-month gym membership—without even sweating. And yes, it’s real money, not Monopoly cash. It all began innocently. I opened an exchange account with grand dreams of financial freedom, my eyes glittering with visions of moonshots, portfolio growth, and Lamborghinis parked in my imaginary driveway. Instead, I got a heart attack, a panic disorder, and the most hilarious financial tragedy you can imagine. --- THE PROMISE OF CRYPTO RICHES .

THE DAY I TRIED UNDERSTANDING APR AND NEEDED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT Interest rates are supposed to be simple numbers, a straightforward way to calculate the cost of borrowing money, right? Wrong. That was the day I discovered that APR—Annual Percentage Rate—was less a number and more a secret language invented by ancient financial wizards to test human sanity. .