THE NIGERIAN MAN WHO APPLIED FOR LOAN FROM ANGELS

THE NIGERIAN MAN WHO APPLIED FOR LOAN FROM ANGELS

A divine comedy that’ll make even angels chuckle — and teach a lesson on heavenly financial literacy.

There are bold men. There are spiritual men.

Then there is Benedict — the Nigerian man who applied for a loan from heaven. 😭😂

It all started on a sunny Monday in Lagos — the kind of Monday where even NEPA is too tired to bring light, just like your online banking app on a server outage. Benedict sat in his one-room apartment, staring at his phone like it owed him a business loan. His landlord had sent “final warning,” his girlfriend sent “babe, you’re becoming motivational lately,” and his account balance was showing ₦72.13 — the kind of figure that makes microfinance institutions cry.

At that point, Benedict realized human banks were finished. Fintech apps were calling him “Dear valued debtor.” One even sent a message:

> “We will visit your dreams if you don’t pay today.” 😭

He sighed, looked up to heaven, and said:

> “God, even angels get treasury abi? Can I apply for divine loan and wealth management?”

---

Then the madness began.

Benedict opened Gmail and typed with holy seriousness:

📩 To: AngelGabriel@heavenmail.com

Subject: Urgent Financial Assistance

> “Dear Angel Gabriel,

I hope this mail meets you in peace and prosperity. I am a loyal citizen of Earth, specifically Lagos Mainland. Things are hard here, sir. Humans have failed me. Flutterwave has ignored me. Even my pastor said the church generator needs repair before he can pray for me.

Please, sir, I’m not asking for much — just ₦50,000 to hold body and soul together. I promise to refund once rapture happens and I join you people.” 😭

Yours faithfully,

Benedict (Future Heaven Ambassador & aspiring angelic investor)

Bro pressed send with faith like a high-yield investment and sat back expecting angelic transaction notification.

Two minutes later — nothing. He refreshed. Still nothing. He prayed, sang “Open the floodgates of heaven,” and refreshed again — still no blessing transfer.

Then he remembered that even heavenly systems might have network issues. He opened his window, lifted his phone, and shouted:

> “Angel Gabriel, can you hear me now? My loan application is urgent!”

Neighbor, Mama Uche, screamed:

> “Benedict, pay your rent before disturbing heaven’s fintech!”

😭😭

But Benedict was focused: “Faith without mobile data is dead, and without digital banking, even miracles lag.” He climbed the roof for stronger signal — like logging into online trading platforms during peak hours.

Next thing, lightning flashed. He shouted:

> “Ah! Heaven replied — credit alert incoming!”

Nope. Just NEPA trying to confuse him like a failing ATM.

Hours later — ding! An email arrived:

From: Heaven Support Team

Subject: RE: Urgent Financial Assistance

Benedict’s heart drummed faster than a day trader on cryptocurrency volatility. He opened it:

> “Dear Benedict,

Thank you for contacting the Celestial Loan Department. Your request has been received.

However, due to high demand from other believers (especially Nigerians), we are currently short on blessings cash flow.

Kindly attach your heavenly guarantor (pastor, prayer warrior, or tithe record) for verification.

Yours faithfully,

Archangel Michael, Senior Finance Officer, Heaven HQ.”

😭😭😭

Benedict screamed, “Heaven has a finance officer???”

He immediately sent his tithe card and anointing oil receipt — basically divine collateral.

Minutes later:

> “Dear Benedict,

Verified. Loan of ₦50,000 APPROVED!

10% heavenly tax deducted. You’ll receive ₦45,000 in blessings, not cash. Expect miracles in 3–5 business prayers.”

😭😭😭😭

Benedict cried tears of divine laughter: “Ah! Blessing? I said money, not motivation ROI!”

Before he could protest, a knock came. One man in white robe, white shoes, holding POS:

> “Good afternoon. I’m from AngelBank. Are you Benedict?”

Benedict nearly fainted: “Jesu! Heaven has ATM and POS now??”

The man smiled: “Yes, we do cash and miracle transfers. Insert your ATM and say hallelujah.”

Benedict inserted card. Machine beeped:

> “Insufficient anointing.” 😭😭

Angel said: “You didn’t fast last Friday?”

Benedict: “Sir, I was weak.”

Angel: “And you want loan? No spiritual collateral?”

💀💀💀💀

Divine instruction: “Go to church tomorrow. When choir sings ‘Jehovah Jireh,’ check phone.”

Next day, Benedict went early, helped set up speakers. During offering:

🎶 Jehovah Jireh, my provider… 🎶

Phone vibrated: Credit Alert ₦50,000. Sender: Heavenly Treasury (Miracle Branch)

😭😭😭😭😭

Benedict screamed like crypto investor seeing sudden profit. Tried to withdraw: “Funds not available for earthly use.”

😭😭😭😭

He begged: “Convert to naira. Landlord doesn’t accept blessings.”

Prayed, fasted, sent follow-up email:

> “Dear Angel Gabriel, kindly help redeem miracle. Landlord angry.”

Heaven replied:

> “Escalated to Angel Raphael (Department of Miraculous Conversions). Response within 7 business hallelujahs.”

💀💀💀

After a week, no answer. Benedict reapplied for a second loan:

> “Dear Heaven, I just need ₦20k top-up. Last one before rapture.”

In dream, he saw: “HEAVEN LOAN HQ.” Angel Michael at counter:

> “Your credit score in heaven: -777. You defaulted on gratitude payments.”

Benedict: “Please, sir, I’ll testify every Sunday!”

Angel handed him a banana.

😭😭😭😭😭😭

He woke up with banana. “So all emails, fasting, tithe… fruit salad?”

Weeks later, email:

> “Selected for Heaven’s Grant Program — no repayment. Condition: stop lying, gossiping, and eating communion bread like puff-puff.”

Benedict replied:

> “Sir, can I pay small sin and collect grant?”

😭😭😭😭

Nobody knows if he got grant or if heavenly account pending verification. Angels now use spam filters because of him.

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MORAL OF THE STORY:

Before emailing Angel Gabriel for a loan, try recharge card business first. Heaven gives blessings, not bank alerts. Invest your faith wisely, diversify your miracle portfolio, and always check credit score in the spirit. 😂😇💸

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Written by: David D Writer

The only man who witnessed a human apply for celestial credit and still owe tithe. 😂🔥

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