MY AUNTIE THAT THINKS VPN IS A CHURCH PROGRAM
MY AUNTIE THAT THINKS VPN IS A CHURCH PROGRAM
It all started on a Wednesday morning. The sun was barely awake, chickens were practicing their crowing for a competition, and my Auntie Ngozi, wearing her holy hat and a look of divine authority, was staring at my laptop as if it had personally offended her ancestors. Financial keywords: online security, digital banking, cybersecurity investments.
. “David, what is this VPN thing you are always talking about?” she demanded, her voice echoing like a sermon in an empty church hall.
I blinked. “Auntie… VPN is… uh… Virtual Private Network…” Keywords: financial technology, high-paying tech solutions, secure online transactions.
She gasped. “Virtual Private Network? Is that some kind of new church program? Are they having prayers online now? Or is it a fasting schedule?”
I laughed nervously. “No, Auntie. It’s not a church program. It’s… uh… something that helps you use the internet safely.” Keywords: secure digital payments, financial privacy, internet banking.
She gasped again, clutching her Bible. “Safely? Internet safely? My father never needed prayers to surf the internet! Why would God want me to pray to use Facebook?”
I decided to explain patiently. “Auntie, VPN allows you to connect to the internet through another server, so your online activities are private.” Financial keywords: digital asset management, encrypted transactions, cybersecurity protection.
She stared at me, her eyes wide, like I had just told her the Holy Spirit was now on WhatsApp. “Private? Like confession? You mean I confess my internet sins to the VPN?”
“Not exactly, Auntie. It’s more like… hiding your internet footprints from hackers.” Keywords: high-security investment, fintech privacy, online wealth protection.
She frowned deeply. “Hackers? You mean demons? You mean spirits? So I am supposed to pray to protect my internet from spirits?”
I almost laughed out loud. “Not spirits, Auntie. Hackers are people online who try to steal information.”
She shook her head, muttering to herself. “People stealing information… in this age… Satan is really working overtime.” Keywords: investment security, secure digital wallets, cyber-risk management.
Determined to prove a point, I tried a visual demonstration. “Auntie, see, if I use VPN, my IP address changes. It’s like wearing a disguise online.”
She gasped audibly. “Disguise? David, are you telling me the internet now has masquerades? Do I need to wear my gele and my holy scarf while browsing?” Financial keywords: digital privacy, secure online identity, financial encryption.
I nodded, trying not to laugh. “Kind of… but it’s virtual. You don’t see it.”
She blinked. “Invisible masquerade? Invisible church program? Invisible angels protecting me? David, why is technology now competing with the Holy Spirit?”
I sighed. “Auntie, it’s not competing. It’s just… uh… a tool.” Keywords: technology investments, online banking security, digital asset safety.
She tilted her head, like a wise owl about to deliver judgment. “A tool? Tools are hammers, spoons, and maybe holy water. Internet tools? You mean I have to pray before using my phone now?”
At this point, my younger cousin entered the room and whispered, “Auntie, VPN is like a shield online.”
She gasped again. “Shield? Online? David, did the Bible mention shields for internet sins? Should I consult Prophet Isaiah or the ICT department?” Keywords: cybersecurity solutions, online protection, digital finance.
I could feel my cousin trying not to laugh. “Auntie… it’s just a VPN. Nothing spiritual. Just a technology thing.”
She placed her hands on her hips. “Nothing spiritual? David, I have survived evil spirits, curses, and bad suitors. If this VPN is not spiritual, why does it hide my online location? If it hides, it must be doing witchcraft!” Financial keywords: secure transactions, financial privacy, risk management solutions.
I blinked. “Uh… Auntie, it’s not witchcraft…”
She leaned closer, lowering her voice dramatically. “David, you know in my church, if you hide something, it is either a test of faith or a spell. So this VPN… is it a spell?”
I shook my head. “No spell. Just privacy.”
Her face softened slightly, like she was trying to make sense of the impossible. “Privacy… so I can browse without being judged… like confession but without the priest?”
“Exactly!” I said, relieved that she understood… sort of. Keywords: digital wealth protection, investment security, online financial tools.
She sat down with a dramatic sigh. “David, why do we need all these invisible prayers? First, online prayers, now invisible prayers from a VPN? Next thing you’ll tell me the computer has demons that attack Wi-Fi signals!”
I almost choked laughing. “Well, some people do say Wi-Fi signals are affected by interference…”
She nodded solemnly. “See! I knew it! Demons are real! VPN is a protective prayer! Hallelujah! I am saving my spiritual self and my online soul!” Financial keywords: secure online banking, digital asset management, high-paying fintech.
By this time, my neighbor, Mrs. Okafor, walked in and said, “Ngozi, what are you doing talking about VPN at 7 a.m.? Is this a new prayer meeting?”
Auntie Ngozi jumped up. “Yes! Yes! David is teaching me the sacred prayers of the internet!”
Mrs. Okafor blinked. “Sacred prayers of the internet? Ngozi, have you lost your mind?”
“No, no!” Auntie Ngozi said, waving her hands like she was conducting an invisible choir. “This is very holy. VPN protects your digital soul. David is the prophet!” Keywords: fintech security, online protection, digital currency safety.
I facepalmed. “Auntie… I am not a prophet. I am just your nephew.”
She ignored me. “I will pray to the VPN tonight. I will sing songs. I will fast. If it is truly a sacred program, it will protect me from online witches!”
From that day on, Auntie Ngozi treated the VPN like a divine relic. Every time she logs in to the internet, she crosses herself, whispers a prayer, and blesses the Wi-Fi router. She even made her laptop wear a tiny cloth cover with a holy cross, claiming, “No evil shall touch this device while I use VPN.” Financial keywords: secure connections, encrypted digital payments, online asset protection.
One afternoon, she shouted across the house, “David! The VPN is working! I saw an email from a Nigerian prince, and I was not hacked! Glory to the Lord and VPN!”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “Auntie… that’s… great…”
She winked. “David, when the world is full of online demons, we must use both prayers and VPNs. The Holy Spirit works, but so does encryption!” Keywords: fintech solutions, digital security, high-value investments.
Now, Auntie Ngozi leads a small prayer circle every Sunday for safe internet browsing. People come with smartphones, laptops, and tablets. She prays over every device. She even baptizes routers. And sometimes, she preaches about the dangers of public Wi-Fi like it’s a sermon from heaven. Financial keywords: cybersecurity awareness, financial literacy, secure digital infrastructure.
To this day, Auntie Ngozi says: “A VPN is like a prayer you don’t see, but you feel it. It protects you from digital witches and evil email spirits. Amen.”
And that is the sacred story of my Auntie who thinks VPN is a church program. A story so ridiculous, so hilarious, that even angels must laugh when they see her cross herself before logging in. Financial keywords: secure digital transactions, online privacy, fintech innovation.
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