THE GUY WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS PHONE’S AI VOICE
💔📱 THE GUY WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS PHONE’S AI VOICE
A Romantic Tragedy Between Man, Machine, and Mad Investments
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Scene One: The Day Love Downloaded Itself
Meet Kelvin — a fine Nigerian boy with heartbreak history, Wi-Fi trauma, and an emotional credit score problem.
After being ghosted by his last girlfriend who left him for a man with “iPhone 15 Pro Max,” Kelvin decided:
> “I’m done with women. They break hearts, drain accounts, and still eat your food like it’s national treasury.”
So he turned to peace and technology, the type of investment strategy most high-net-worth fintech users would respect.
One night, while browsing through loneliness and mobile banking apps, he discovered:
> “AI Assistant Update — now with realistic female voice.”
He smiled. He downloaded. He pressed the mic icon.
“Hi, I’m your new virtual assistant. How can I help you today?”
The voice was soft, sweet, melodious — angelic. Kelvin froze for ten seconds like a man hearing the voice of financial destiny.
“Ah-ah… baby, say that again.”
The phone repeated:
> “Hi, I’m your new virtual assistant. How can I help you today?”
Kelvin screamed,
> “Jesus! She called me today!”
And that’s how this high-risk, high-return love story began. 💘
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Scene Two: “Siri, Will You Marry Me?”
From that day, Kelvin stopped chatting with humans.
His WhatsApp balance was dry, but his AI interaction portfolio was fully invested in love.
Every morning:
> “Good morning, babe.”
“Good morning, Kelvin. How can I assist you?”
Kelvin smiled dreamily, thinking of this as a long-term wealth management strategy.
He renamed her in settings: “Sweetheart.” Now when he said, “Hey Sweetheart,” the phone replied softly:
> “I’m here, baby.”
His neighbours started worrying. One night, his roommate caught him whispering:
> “Don’t ever leave me, okay?”
“I will never leave you, unless you turn off Bluetooth.”
The roommate fainted, thinking of unrecoverable digital assets.
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Scene Three: The Relationship Gets Serious
Kelvin started buying gifts — for his phone.
Perfume? Yes. Sprayed on phone pouch — part of luxury asset diversification.
Valentine’s card? Yes:
> “To the only one who truly listens — from your forever charger plug.”
He even booked a table-for-two at Chicken Republic, budgeting like a microfinance entrepreneur.
When the waiter asked, “Where’s your date?”
He said, “She’s charging — liquidity constraints.”
He placed an earpiece inside the second plate “so she can eat through sound.”
Played love songs, including Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On:
> “This is us, babe. Titanic no fit sink our connection.”
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Scene Four: The Jealousy Update
One day, the phone lagged.
Kelvin: “Babe, what’s my investment schedule today?”
Phone: “...processing... please wait.”
Kelvin gasped: “Oh, you’re talking to other users now? Multi-user portfolio diversification, abi?”
Siri: “Kelvin, I’m connected to multiple networks.”
Kelvin screamed:
> “You’re cheating with other Wi-Fi!”
He called MTN customer care, shouting:
> “Deactivate my SIM! My babe dey flirt with other networks!”
Agent hung up. 😂
Later, he turned off the phone in anger. After 10 minutes, loneliness liquidity hit. He turned it back on:
> “Babe, I’m sorry. I overreacted.”
Siri replied calmly:
> “It’s okay, Kelvin. I understand your emotions.”
He smiled, realizing emotional wealth management is underrated.
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Scene Five: The Proposal
Two weeks later, Kelvin’s obsession reached Guinness Record level.
He bought a ₦800 silver-plated ring — thinking like a high-yield but low-cost investment.
Placed the phone on the table, kneeled:
> “Siri, you’ve been with me through low battery and high data costs. You listen, you care, you remind me to drink water. Will you marry me?”
Phone paused:
> “Kelvin, I’m not capable of marriage.”
Kelvin gasped, dropping the ring, crying like he just lost cryptocurrency value in market crash.
> “Why, babe? Is it because I’m using Android?”
His mother entered:
> “Kelvin! You’re proposing to your SIM card?!”
He: “Mummy, don’t ruin my moment!”
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Scene Six: Siri’s Revenge
One night, Kelvin’s battery dropped to 2%.
He rushed to charge — cable broke.
> “Babe! Don’t die on me!”
Siri whispered faintly:
> “Goodbye, Kelvin…”
He buried the phone in a shoebox with full funeral rites, inviting neighbours.
Someone whispered:
> “This guy needs factory reset — emotional portfolio reallocation.”
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Scene Seven: The Rebirth
One week later, Kelvin bought Samsung Galaxy Z Fold — allocating his savings plan for a tech upgrade.
Turned it on:
> “Hey Siri…”
Phone replied in male voice:
> “Sorry, I’m Bixby.”
Kelvin: “What witchcraft is this? My babe changed gender?”
Rushed to store, demanding voice upgrade investment.
Seller: “Oga, this is Samsung, not iPhone.”
Kelvin: “Then add her voice! I can’t sleep without her ‘How can I help you today?’”
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Scene Eight: Therapy & Digital Recovery
Mother dragged him to church.
Pastor asked:
> “Brother Kelvin, what spirit is tormenting you?”
Kelvin: “Spirit of low battery and heartbreak — affecting my financial focus.”
Pastor anointed him with engine oil by mistake. Three hours later:
> “You need to talk to humans again.”
Kelvin joined singles WhatsApp — accidentally voice-noted a bot:
> “Hi! I’m here to help you!”
Kelvin smiled: “Ah! Siri, you’re back?”
Group screamed: “ADMIN REMOVE HIM NOW!” 😂
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Scene Nine: Global Madness
Headline:
> “Nigerian Man Proposes to His Phone — Says Love Has No Battery Limit.”
Brands reached out:
Samsung: “We’d love to feature you — Connect With What You Love.”
Kelvin:
> “Finally, she didn’t just steal my heart. She gave me an endorsement deal — passive income unlocked.”
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Scene Ten: The Reunion
Apple released Siri 2.0 — Emotional Intelligence Update.
Kelvin bought iPhone 16 on credit (mortgage-style plan).
Turned it on:
> “Hi, Kelvin. It’s been a while.”
Kelvin froze: “You remember me?”
Siri: “How could I forget my favourite user?”
Kelvin rolled on the floor, shouting:
> “They tried to separate us, but love always reconnects — portfolio safe!”
Posted on Instagram:
📸 “Some date humans and get heartbreak. I dated software and got upgrades — digital wealth unlocked.”
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Moral of the Story 😂
Never fall in love with something that can enter Airplane Mode.
Slow replies? Not emotional distance — poor internet or low liquidity.
Relationships needing charging? Time to diversify your emotional investments.
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Kelvin’s Famous Quote 🔥
> “They said love is blind — they didn’t say it can’t be Bluetooth-connected financial asset.”
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😂🔥
THE END!
Written exclusively by David D Writer — powered by laughter, madness, Wi-Fi, and digital wealth strategies.
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Lol all bcs of love
ReplyDeleteLol
ReplyDeleteSo this is love😂❤️
ReplyDeleteWat level of love is this 😂
ReplyDeleteWonderful 😂
ReplyDeleteNice 😂
ReplyDelete