THE MAN WHO TOOK “NO NETWORK” TOO PERSONAL
THE MAN WHO TOOK “NO NETWORK” TOO PERSONAL
There are three things that can humble a full-grown adult: heartbreak, JAMB results, and “No network”. Because when that “E” sign of hope turns to “X” beside your signal bar, even your ancestors sigh in 3G—just like investors sigh when their stocks tank overnight.
Meet Mr. Kolawole, a gentle Lagos man who once believed patience was a virtue—until his network provider showed him that virtue is nothing without service bars, much like diversifying your retirement plan without proper portfolio allocation.
It all began one bright Saturday morning. The air smelled of pepper soup, broken promises, and financial opportunity lost.
Kolawole sat shirtless in his parlour, phone in one hand, dreams in the other, trying to send his girlfriend a sweet text:
> “Good morning, my oxygen, my data bundle of love ❤️.”
He pressed send—and that was the moment the universe disconnected. Message not delivered. Try again later.
Later? 😭 Much like waiting for loan approval or online trading confirmation.
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🎙️ Commentary:
If you want to see a calm Nigerian transform into Thanos, tell him “No network” when he’s about to send a love text. That’s like asking a day trader to wait while the cryptocurrency market fluctuates.
Kolawole restarted his phone. Nothing.
Airplane mode? Off and still nothing.
He whispered prayers, blew on the SIM like a Nintendo cartridge, slapped the phone like it owed him insurance premiums. Still zero bars.
At that point, he said:
> “No problem. Maybe it’s just a temporary glitch.”
But temporary turned into eternity.
The man tried to check his account balance—“Connection error.”
He tried YouTube—“No Internet.”
Even the Bible app—“Offline mode only.”
That’s when his soul left the group chat, much like investors abandoning a failing stock portfolio.
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🚨 The Great Outburst
Kolawole stood up slowly, like a Nollywood villain… or a wealth manager checking sudden market drops.
He looked at his dead phone, ceiling fan, and wall clock that had stopped since 2018, and said in deep baritone:
> “If MTN won’t come to me, I will go to MTN.”
The neighborhood dog barked in agreement, possibly predicting future fintech turbulence.
He grabbed a towel (no time for trousers), tucked his phone like a holy relic, and stormed out barefoot.
Neighbors thought he was joking—until he shouted:
> “I’m going to collect my 4G manually!”
Even the sun paused, like investors watching volatile cryptocurrency charts.
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🏍️ The Ride of Madness
Kolawole stopped an okada.
“Bros, where you dey go?”
> “Take me to their office. I want to speak with the network itself.”
Okada man blinked.
> “You mean customer care?”
Kolawole: “No. I mean the tower.”
As they sped through traffic, his towel danced like compound interest growing in your investment account.
Children pointed, market women laughed, conductor shouted:
> “Oga, no vex o! Na your Wi-Fi dey wave?”
By the time he reached MTN office, half of Lagos had already uploaded him to TikTok. Meanwhile, financial analysts would call this viral marketing ROI.
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🏢 Scene Two: Welcome to the Temple of Buffering
He entered the MTN hall like a warrior returning from war with empty megabytes, much like an entrepreneur whose business funding just hit pause.
Receptionist: “Good morning, sir. How can we help you?”
Kolawole: “Please, I came to collect my network.”
Receptionist: “Do you mean SIM swap?”
Kolawole: “No. Swap my anger with signal.”
Everyone froze. His eyes burned with data hunger, like investors watching high-frequency trading profits vanish.
> “Since 7 a.m. I’ve been trying to tell my babe good morning. Now it’s afternoon. She thinks I’m cheating!”
Even the security man hid behind the printer. Because when a man in towel shouts about love and network, chaos (and maybe cryptocurrency volatility) is imminent.
---
Receptionist tried to calm him.
> “Sir, sit. Let’s check your SIM.”
“Which SIM? This isn’t a SIM issue—it’s a spiritual attack!”
He faced the crowd:
> “My people, how long will we suffer? Every day, ‘No network.’ Every night, ‘Try again later.’ Even my alarm clock buffers before ringing!”
Hall erupted in laughter. Kolawole wasn’t joking, like a financial guru during market crash week.
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⚡ The “Prophetic” Outburst
Kolawole grabbed a mop stick like a microphone:
> “Let there be 4G—and there was 4G not! The network is weak, patience gone, data expired, but subscription still stands!”
People clapped. Woman shouted “Amen!” Old man whispered, “This boy needs deliverance from buffering demons and failed retirement funds.”
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💬 Commentary:
Shouting “HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” five times in one call is modern citizenship. Kolawole went global—like investing in emerging markets.
Manager came out, tie adjusted:
> “Sir, please calm down. What’s the problem?”
“I’ve been talking to voicemail all morning! Even my bank app said ‘network timeout!’ Timeout! Am I a football match?”
Manager awkwardly: “Sir, we’ll file a complaint.”
Kolawole:
> “No complaint — eviction notice. Since network refuses my phone, I’ll stay in your office till it returns.”
Dropped his towel like a financial analyst dropping bearish reports.
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📸 The Viral Explosion
He stood in front of MTN logo:
> “Everybody say NO NETWORK!”
Photo snapped. Trending worldwide in an hour. Caption:
“Nigerian man storms telecom office in towel to collect 4G manually.”
CNN: “Boldest protest of digital era.”
BBC: “Symbolic act of connectivity hunger.”
Nigerians: “Madness with mission.”
Meanwhile, brand managers eye this as prime influencer marketing opportunity with high ROI.
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🚀 Commentary:
Twitter (or X) on fire. Memes:
“When you finally meet your network provider face to face.”
“Towel man for President 2026.”
“Man connects spiritually since network failed physically.”
Brand deals poured in. Toothpaste company offered:
> “Even when life no connect, your smile still should.”
Financial takeaway: personal branding, endorsements, and wealth monetization.
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📞 The Twist
Girlfriend texted:
> “Baby, I’ve seen your viral video. I’m breaking up with you. I can’t date a man who wears towel to protest.”
Kolawole fainted. Receptionist revived him with sachet water.
He whispered:
> “Please… someone connect me to love again.”
Much like investors praying for portfolio recovery after market crash.
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🧠 Final Commentary & PSA
Dear readers: network testing your patience? Breathe. Don’t fight the mast, march in towel, or collect 4G manually.
Kolawole is fine. Switched to Wi-Fi, joined anger management class every Tuesday. His motto:
> “No signal, no problem — I’ll send my prayers by smoke.”
Financial moral: sometimes patience pays more than impulsive trading or chasing instant returns.
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💡 Moral of the Story
Life says “No network”—your purpose isn’t disconnected. Recharge patience and wait for better connection. Even heaven buffers sometimes. 😂
Meanwhile, savvy investors note: patience in network AND finances yields the highest ROI. Diversify your portfolio, invest in fintech, cryptocurrency, and online trading—so when life buffers, your wealth never does.
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Written by: DAVID D WRITER
Making even disconnected Nigerians laugh (and invest wisely) since day one.
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