HOW MY GUY'S GIRLFRIEND SPOKE IN PARABLES DURING BREAKUP
HOW MY GUY'S GIRLFRIEND SPOKE IN PARABLES DURING BREAKUP
Breakups are supposed to hurt, right? That’s the universal law of relationships—and maybe also of volatile cryptocurrency markets. But when your guy’s girlfriend exits using parables, metaphors, and emotional origami, reality transforms into a full-blown comedy show. Spoiler alert: you become the punchline, the audience, and occasionally the confused critic.
. It all began on an otherwise ordinary Tuesday. He called me frantically, voice shaking like Bitcoin during a sudden dip. “Bro,” he whispered, “she’s breaking up with me… but… in parables.” I paused. That statement sounded like a hedge fund joke I wasn’t prepared to hear.
The first message arrived: “Our love is like a paper boat on a stormy river, destined to float, yet always threatened by unseen currents.”
I blinked. Twice. I had to remind myself he wasn’t quoting some obscure fintech newsletter. I asked him, “Did she just compare your love life to a paper boat in a flood?” He nodded gravely. At that moment, I realized we had entered a surreal dimension where heartbreak collided spectacularly with abstract asset allocation.
He responded cautiously: “Should I grab an umbrella or prepare to swim?”
Silence. The kind of silence that makes you question existence—and maybe the ROI of emotional investments worldwide.
Minutes later, she texted again: “Even the tallest oak cannot resist the winds forever, and sometimes, falling gracefully is the art of survival.”
I laughed. Not out of joy, but as a coping mechanism for impending existential bankruptcy. My guy, however, was distraught. “Bro,” he said, “I think she’s giving me a masterclass in relationship economics through breakup texts.”
It escalated quickly. “Our hearts are like chess pieces, David. We moved strategically, yet the board was never ours. Perhaps the game itself is the lesson, not the checkmate.”
At this point, I had two reactions: one, I desperately needed a whiteboard to chart these texts like a stock portfolio. Two, I couldn’t stop laughing. The absurdity was beyond measure.
He texted back: “Are we pawns or queens? Because I feel like I’m losing without even knowing the rules.”
Her reply was immediate, devastatingly poetic: “Sometimes the pawn becomes the queen by surviving the journey alone. Sometimes, losing is winning in disguise.”
My guy’s phone nearly slipped from his hands. “Bro… I need a financial advisor for my feelings!” he groaned.
The parables kept coming. “Love is like invisible ink, David. We thought we were writing a story together, but perhaps we were using the wrong pen all along.”
I nearly fell off my chair laughing. Invisible ink? Wrong pen? I thought only hedge fund memos had this level of drama. My guy, meanwhile, was drafting a resignation from love itself, silently calculating his emotional ROI.
I asked him, “Does she provide a decoder ring for these texts?” He shook his head. “No. I’m on my own.”
By the fourth message, it was clear this wasn’t a breakup—it was a theatrical IPO of the heart. “Sometimes we are the river; sometimes, the desert. We flow in opposite directions, yet one cannot exist without the other.”
I needed a coffee. Maybe a philosophy degree. Possibly a life coach specialized in cryptic relationship metaphors and risk management.
He tried responding: “So… am I supposed to drown or become sand?”
No reply. Hours passed. I began documenting these parables like quarterly earnings reports. “Future scholars,” I thought, “will study this as the pinnacle of human communication under emotional duress.”
The next one arrived: “A cactus blooms once in a lifetime, David, and sometimes we are that cactus. We wait for the sun to notice our thorns.”
We laughed. The absurdity was unmatched. Imagine being told your love life resembles a cactus, a desert, and an invisible ink manuscript—all in one message. Even a diversified investment portfolio couldn’t prepare you for this volatility.
He typed furiously: “Are you the sun or the desert? I need to prepare accordingly.”
Her answer? Pure poetic devastation: “Prepare for both. Life is full of contradictions, and love is the art of noticing them before they notice you.”
At this point, I realized the genius of this woman. She wasn’t just breaking up with him—she was teaching him risk analysis, market psychology, and the art of emotional asset allocation.
Hours turned into a day. Then came the final, legendary parable: “David, even the strongest roots sometimes cannot survive storms they never expected. Perhaps it’s time for our roots to grow separately.”
He stared at the screen in disbelief. “Bro… she’s literally making me question gravity.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Laughter, like diversified income streams, was the only way to survive this emotional crash. We spent thirty minutes reenacting her parables like a live trading floor. “Pretend I’m the paper boat!” I said. He groaned, but we laughed anyway.
Days later, he realized something crucial: this breakup wasn’t just a breakup—it was comedy gold. Each parable was absurd, dramatic, and perfectly structured like a hedge fund prospectus. We started sharing them with friends. Some laughed. Some stared blankly. But everyone agreed: this was the most hilarious breakup story they had ever encountered.
Eventually, he started writing a “Breakup Parables Journal.” Every entry included a cryptic message, his existential reaction, and sarcastic commentary. By week’s end, he had over twenty parables cataloged. My favorite? “Even the tallest oak cannot resist the winds forever.” I still quote it whenever my Wi-Fi goes down, imagining the router as a heroic oak in a storm of buffering latency—an asset allocation problem for sure.
He learned a few things:
1. Breakups can be funny if you survive them with perspective, like a patient investor surviving market volatility.
2. Some people exit your life like Shakespearean poets—dramatic, cryptic, and emotionally complex, almost like a hedge fund prospectus.
3. Laughter is a universal coping mechanism, especially when the alternative is crying in invisible ink or calculating emotional depreciation.
Now, whenever he retells the story, we both laugh uncontrollably. He often begins: “She said our love was like a paper boat… and I believed it until I realized the river was full of crocodiles—risk unhedged.”
The moral is simple: if your girlfriend starts breaking up with you in parables, don’t panic. Take notes, laugh, share, and maybe become a philosopher—or an emotional fintech analyst—without attending a single lecture.
Because somewhere between the mango tree, the desert, the cactus, and the invisible ink, you’ll find comedy, absurdity, and a lesson in surviving the most poetic, sarcastic, and hilariously volatile breakups of your life.
And that, my friends, is how my guy’s girlfriend spoke in parables during a breakup. Not with anger, not with tears, but with the art of confusing, hilarious, and monetization-ready human communication.
😂 Don’t Miss Out On The Madness!
I drop brand-new funny, wild, and brain-sparking stories daily at exactly 10 AM & 6 PM — twice a day! From “Naija wahala” to global comedy gist, I deliver laughter hotter than Lagos sun ☀️ Subscribe now or risk missing your daily dose of “hilarious wisdom”! 😎🔥
🚀 Join the laughter squad — your inbox will thank you later! 💌 #DavidDWriter | Daily dose of joy, two times a day 😁
Comments
Post a Comment