THE MAN THAT BAPTIZED HIMSELF WITH PEPSI
THE MAN THAT BAPTIZED HIMSELF WITH PEPSI
I never imagined that witnessing someone baptize himself would involve carbonated soda, a bathtub, and the faint smell of cola lingering like a fintech ad promoting a new digital banking app. Yet there I was, phone in hand, recording what would later become the most absurdly profitable viral moment in human behavior. My ROI in laughter was already off the charts.
. It all began with a message from my cousin. “David, you have to see this. This man is about to be baptized.” Naturally, I expected a conventional church baptism—water, a pastor, hymns, maybe a baby splashing accidentally like a volatile stock. But no. My cousin attached a video that I should have realized would crash my sense of reality faster than a cryptocurrency market dip.
The video opened with a man in his mid-thirties, wearing a robe suspiciously similar to his grandmother’s curtains. He held a two-liter bottle of Pepsi like it was a hedge fund prospectus, serious enough to make Warren Buffett reconsider his asset allocation. “Today, I cleanse my soul,” he declared, with the gravitas of a CEO announcing a multi-billion-dollar acquisition.
I laughed. Then paused. Then laughed again. It was clear that this was no ordinary ritual. This was a premium investment in absurdity. My mental stock portfolio of disbelief skyrocketed.
He began chanting what I can only assume were ancient Pepsi baptismal rites. There was hand waving, dramatic gestures, and a fizzing mist of carbonation that could rival a liquid asset’s volatility. I half expected the SEC to regulate the bubbles for insider trading violations. Even a mosquito in the room seemed spiritually upgraded.
Before pouring the Pepsi, he addressed his imaginary congregation: “Beloved soda spirits, witness my devotion. Let the cola flow through my veins and cleanse me of all caffeinated sins.” I wondered if this was an alternative investment in spiritual fintech. My laugh balance sheet was already in the green.
He lifted the bottle like a startup CEO unveiling a billion-dollar IPO. Then came the moment of truth. Pepsi poured over his head with the dramatic flair of a leveraged buyout gone spectacularly right. Bubbles erupted, fizz sprayed, and I swear I saw a ghostly dentist screaming in the background. ROI in entertainment: 100%.
He shouted, “I am cleansed! I am reborn in cola!” I typed into my group chat: “Should I call 911 or wait for the spiritual equity to kick in?” No reply. My friends were likely diversifying their own portfolios of existential crises.
Next, he dipped his hand into the soda and began smearing it across his face. Eyes, forehead, mustache—all became canvases of Pepsi-based financial art. At one point, I thought he might start sculpting his face into a soda can IPO. My brain, like a hedge fund algorithm, couldn’t process this level of chaos.
He attempted to baptize his dog. The dog, unimpressed, ran in circles like a stock chart experiencing extreme volatility. My neighbor’s cat watched from the balcony, likely calculating feline ROI on staying indoors.
Then came reflection. “I feel a lightness in my heart, a bubbling in my soul,” he said, ignoring the sticky carpet—a depreciating asset if I ever saw one. I pondered whether holy spirits now accept payments in carbonated currency.
Suddenly, he broke into praise songs—mash-ups of worship tunes and pop jingles. “Hallelujah, Pepsi-Cola, oh my soul will soar-ah, fizz, fizz, fizz!” I couldn’t tell if this was genius, madness, or a new fintech marketing campaign disguised as worship. Probably all three.
He invited me to join virtually. I considered solidarity—maybe pour Pepsi over my head—but my home assets and dignity weren’t prepared for such aggressive investment. The risk-reward ratio was terrifying.
The climax was performance art meets chaos economics. He baptized his furniture. His chair received a thorough soaking. The TV remote got anointing as if electronics required spiritual diversification. My home’s asset liquidity decreased rapidly.
Then came confessions: “I confess, I have sinned against my taste buds. I have tried other sodas. Today, I pledge loyalty to Pepsi.” My stomach hurt. My social capital in my friend group soared as I sent screenshots. It was a viral hedge fund in motion.
He concluded with a prayer: “May my burps be holy, may my fizziness be eternal, and may the demons of flat soda never trouble me again.” Then he drank the remaining Pepsi in one gulp. My risk assessment algorithm almost failed. This man had achieved maximum absurdity ROI.
By now, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. My roommate knocked: “Are you okay?” I whispered: “No… spiritually attacked… and dying from laughter… and considering investing in soda futures.”
This is how a man baptized himself with Pepsi. No conventional outcomes, but maximum absurdity value. He set a new bar for creativity in ritual economics. He gave the world a gift: reminding us that faith and hilarity can collide with the efficiency of a leveraged financial product.
I often reflect. Pouring my morning coffee, I wonder: would he approve? Opening a soda, should I perform homage? When scrolling TikTok, I pray no one attempts Pepsi baptism in bathrooms—market volatility could spike dangerously.
In conclusion, this soda-baptizing pioneer taught me three crucial lessons:
1. Faith can take any form—even a carbonated beverage with investment potential.
2. Laughter is the most underrated spiritual hedge against daily volatility.
3. Never underestimate a man who believes in his own Pepsi holiness—it’s high ROI in absurdity.
So next time someone says they’re “getting spiritual,” ask: “Water baptism or Pepsi?” In the era of online rituals, homemade holiness, and viral content monetization, anything is possible. Step back, give them space, and maybe grab a camera—because history, comedy, and a lucrative AdSense moment is being made.
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