THE PROPHET THAT TRIED TO CAST OUT NEPA
THE PROPHET THAT TRIED TO CAST OUT NEPA
It all started on a Monday, because Mondays are inherently cruel, and the universe delights in testing human patience—especially the financial patience of those who have recently checked their investment portfolios. The sun was shining deceptively bright, birds chirped like optimistic fintech influencers, and somewhere in the distance, a generator sputtered as if it had realized this day would affect both my spiritual and financial wellbeing.
. The prophet, a man whose hair defied gravity like a speculative cryptocurrency, and whose robes had seen more miracles than an entire season of stock market predictions, had taken it upon himself to cast out NEPA. Yes, the very NEPA that mocks humanity by turning off lights during peak hours, threatening investments in home businesses, digital banking dashboards, and passive income streams.
Neighbors gathered, intrigued and terrified. Some hoped for miracles that might save their cryptocurrency mining rigs or keep their smart investments running uninterrupted. Others just wanted a spectacle, popcorn in hand, ready to witness divine comedy intersecting with the cruel reality of utility bills. One auntie held her phone high, recording, calculating potential ad revenue if the video went viral.
The prophet began chanting. His voice was deep and commanding, like a CEO addressing a volatile stock market crash. “By the power invested in me,” he bellowed, “I command thee, NEPA, to release this dwelling from your dark grip and restore light to my wealth management dashboards!”
For a moment, silence reigned. Then the lights flickered, teasing like a stock price that rises only to plummet minutes later.
“See! See!” shouted one neighbor. “It works! ROI confirmed!”
The prophet’s eyes narrowed. NEPA was playing a game of fiscal chess, just like a volatile cryptocurrency market. The flicker was a tease, a cruel joke threatening my passive income and digital banking confidence. He leaned closer to the socket, waving hands like he was attempting to hack a fintech app via divine intervention.
Auntie’s phone continued recording, calculating potential monetization metrics. “If this goes viral,” she whispered, “I might quit my day job and focus full-time on NEPA comedy content.”
The prophet began sweating, not just the usual spiritual sweat, but the kind that forms when your financial stability, digital banking accounts, and stock portfolios are threatened simultaneously. He stomped his foot. “I cast you out, darkness! Release luminous blessings upon these mortals’ investments and crypto wallets!”
And then… nothing.
The fan rattled. The fridge hummed. NEPA had won the first round of this cosmic fiscal showdown.
Undeterred, he reached for holy water, which smelled faintly like chlorine—because even prophets must budget for their financial planning. He splashed it toward the socket. Sparks flew. Auntie shrieked. Someone’s cat bolted, leaving chaos akin to a sudden market crash in the cryptocurrency sector.
The prophet raised both arms to the heavens. Voice trembling, he invoked sacred financial incantations, praying not just for light but for wealth protection, dividend returns, and stable cryptocurrency performance. Then he sneezed violently, sending holy water onto the neighbor’s shoes, the cat, and a small child—collateral damage akin to unexpected fees or sudden bank charges.
One neighbor whispered, “Maybe it’s not NEPA, maybe it’s just the existential darkness of underfunded retirement accounts.”
The prophet ignored him and grabbed a power cord like it was a fintech Excalibur. “I banish thee!” he roared. “I summon the electrons of a thousand profitable investments!”
The power cord sparked. The lights flickered violently. For a moment, it seemed NEPA might relent like a forgiving investment broker. Then total blackout—blackness, delicious, humiliating, financial darkness.
The crowd gasped. The cat yowled. Auntie’s phone recorded every moment, ready for monetization. NEPA had done what no human or financial advisor could: outperform a prophet in sheer stubbornness.
Someone whispered, “Did the prophet just get defeated by electricity?”
He did.
Undeterred, the prophet moved to stage two: dance. Twirling, hopping, waving, stomping, and chanting a mix of prayers, curses, and fiscal commentary that would make even TikTok influencers weep with envy. He sprinkled terms like “portfolio diversification” and “cryptocurrency ROI” into his prayers.
Sparks flew from nearby sockets. A fan spun wildly, wires swung like volatile stock charts. The prophet twirled, shouting, “I will not be bested by mortal machinery or failed asset allocations!”
NEPA remained absolutely indifferent.
Auntie’s video began trending globally. Comments ranged from “I laughed until my investment portfolio crashed” to “This is why I pay my utility bills on time… mostly.” Someone had already created a meme: “Prophet vs NEPA: The Financial Showdown.”
Sweat soaked his robe. Hair drooped like a declining stock chart. Neighbors murmured. Someone handed him a bottle of water, which he drank like a CEO negotiating a bailout with the IMF.
NEPA, of course, did not negotiate. It does not care for investment portfolios, stock markets, or digital banking apps. NEPA simply exists.
The prophet then invoked modern tools, pulling out a smartphone to check power updates. “Maybe the network knows what the divine does not,” he muttered, scanning apps promising renewable energy insights, investment tips, and cryptocurrency price alerts.
Of course, the app failed. No miracle. No signal. Just mocking stillness and darkened rooms, reminiscent of bank accounts after hidden fees and international transaction charges.
Finally, the prophet sighed, shoulders slumping. He addressed the crowd: “Brothers and sisters, sometimes the greatest power is humility… and perhaps calling NEPA’s office, submitting complaints, and considering alternative energy investments.”
Applause erupted—not for obedience, but for comedic humility relatable to anyone managing wealth, investments, or a high-maintenance stock portfolio.
Someone fainted from laughter. Another pretended to pray. The cat returned, majestically ignoring the prophet as if to say, “You’ve failed, human, yet I forgive you… barely.”
The prophet concluded: “Remember this day. A day when man tried to battle electricity and learned that NEPA is not just a utility; NEPA is a metaphor for financial unpredictability, stock market volatility, and digital banking chaos.”
The crowd nodded solemnly. Auntie posted the video with the caption: “When a prophet meets NEPA: Comedy of the century meets fintech horror story.”
As he left, the prophet muttered under his breath: “Next time, I will battle NEPA… with candles, solar panels, and diversified investments.”
NEPA, naturally, remained indifferent.
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