WHEN MY GUY CGPA STARTED SPEAKING IN PARABLES
WHEN MY GUY CGPA STARTED SPEAKING IN PARABLES
You think you know your friends. You think they are like normal stock traders—rational, predictable, and capable of understanding simple commands like “pass the salt” or “check your crypto portfolio.” Then one day, something extraordinary happens: your friend’s CGPA starts speaking in parables. Not metaphorically. Literally. His CGPA, the numeric KPI that usually whispers “maybe diversify” or “yikes,” suddenly became a sage, dispensing financial wisdom alongside life advice.
It all started on a Monday. That type of Monday when your bed has deep ROI conversations with you, convincing you that life is just a series of failed investments and Wi-Fi outages. My friend, let’s call him Dami, opened his laptop, checked his CGPA, and whispered: “Ah… the mango ripens not on the tree, but in the patience of the one who monitors the portfolio diligently.”
. I stared at him. I stared at the CGPA. My morning coffee tasted like shorted stocks. My life flashed like volatile forex charts. I couldn’t decide what was more urgent: understanding the meaning of the universe or asking him to say his CGPA as a simple number like a conventional investor.
“Dami…” I said cautiously, because when your friend starts issuing financial parables, you approach like an analyst confronting market volatility. “What… what does that mean?”
He looked at me with the serenity of a monk who just discovered a zero-fee digital banking account. “It means,” he said, “that a 2.1 today can become a 4.0 tomorrow, if the student invests wisely in knowledge assets and compounds effort daily.”
I blinked. Twice. Maybe three times. I had just been told that CGPA, that cold, unfeeling metric, now held the persuasive power of a financial advisor. My grasp on reason slipped like leveraged debt during a crypto crash.
The next day, Dami brought a notebook to class. On the cover, it read: “Teachings of CGPA: Parable Edition.” Yes, a full ledger dedicated to numerical wisdom and risk assessment. Page one opened, he announced: “A lonely C in Mathematics is like a candle in a thunderstorm: flickering, fighting, but capable of illuminating the darkest financial forecasts.”
The lecture hall froze. Some students giggled like small-time investors watching a bullish meme stock. Some gasped as if witnessing a ghost short-selling derivatives. One brave soul whispered: “Is this for grades or enlightenment?”
But Dami was unstoppable. He spent forty-five minutes dispensing wisdom as if CGPA were Warren Buffett reincarnated. “Beware the D,” he said, “for it follows careless students like debt follows high-leverage investments. Yet rejoice, for the B may surprise the diligent, like dividends unexpectedly compounding in your favor.”
By lecture’s end, the professor had forgotten why he came to class. He nodded as if Dami’s CGPA unlocked secrets of relativity and personal wealth management simultaneously.
It wasn’t just in class. Cafeteria chats became philosophical. Ordering jollof rice turned into a lesson in resource allocation. Dami remarked: “The portion size is like a diversified portfolio; take only what you can manage, lest indigestion—and financial regret—follow.”
One day at the library, preparing for exams, I asked: “Dami, what’s the probability we will pass?” expecting a simple percentage. He whispered: “The fox that studies not will sleep hungry, but the ant that labors will feast even when the sun is gone.” I nearly fell off my chair, like an investor watching Bitcoin crash before recovery.
Social media didn’t help. He posted CGPA-inspired motivational quotes: “A 2.0 in the morning is like minor market fluctuations: temporary, but promising exponential growth in knowledge by noon.” Others: “Beware the plagiarist, for his heart shall know no peace, and his CGPA shall squeak like a distressed stock.” Commenters debated whether it was philosophy, math, or a fintech metaphor. The ultimate existential portfolio dilemma.
It escalated. Dami applied CGPA principles to daily decisions like portfolio management. Which route to school? “The path with the fewest potholes is like a B+ in Philosophy: low risk, moderate return, no volatility.” Choosing snacks? “The biscuit that crumbles in your hand is like a failed investment: inevitable, yet instructive for future diversification.”
Even his love life became numerical. Asked about his crush, he said: “The heart is like a GPA: sometimes undervalued, sometimes inflated, always requiring careful management.” She unfollowed him on Instagram. A failed emotional hedge.
One evening, the CGPA reached oratory heights, causing a minor existential crisis in our group chat. He typed: “A student who neglects calculus today is like a farmer ignoring rainfall: they shall harvest confusion and sow despair in future exams.” I had to screenshot it for historical ROI analysis. Proof that a CGPA could become a self-sustaining financial oracle.
By finals, Dami wasn’t studying traditionally. He meditated, conversed with his CGPA, and conducted ritualistic note-organizing ceremonies. He murmured: “Let the B+ rise like a bullish market, let the D not linger like debt in recession.”
Exam day arrived. Everyone panicked, calculating potential outcomes like volatile stock options. Dami walked in serene, smiled, and whispered: “Go forth, my disciple, and write thy destiny—maximize human capital and compound effort.”
He aced some exams, bombed others. The experience? Priceless. The CGPA spoke in parables, riddles, and cryptic wisdom, forever altering our perception of academic assets.
If you ask me whether I believe in mystical powers of a CGPA, I nod solemnly. Will I see my grades the same way again? I pause. The moral: numbers are not just numbers—they are financial philosophers in disguise, ready to whisper absurdly profound truths that make you laugh, cry, and reconsider life choices simultaneously.
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