WHEN BROKE PEOPLE START TALKING LIKE BILLIONAIRE INVESTORS
WHEN BROKE PEOPLE START TALKING LIKE BILLIONAIRE INVESTORS
My brother, let’s not lie — the way broke people talk about money, if words were dollars, some people would have already bought Dangote Refinery on credit. Every day on social media, you’ll see someone with ₦700 in their account saying, “If you’re not investing in cryptocurrency, you’re sleeping on generational wealth.” Bro, you’ve not even invested in breakfast!
. Everybody suddenly became a financial advisor since WhatsApp introduced “status.” Once they learn one new word like “passive income” or “compound interest,” they’ll start disturbing peace like they just finished a Harvard MBA. Someone who borrowed ₦5k last week will now be saying, “See, the secret is to let your money work for you.” Oga, your money is not working — your debt is.
Let’s be honest: 97% of us don’t need financial advice; we need financial miracle. Because no matter how you talk about financial freedom, forex trading, or affiliate marketing, once your bank balance hits ₦0.00, all those investment quotes will look like stand-up comedy.
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THE DAY I TRIED TO INVEST LIKE A BILLIONAIRE
One day, I decided to change my financial destiny. I told myself, “David, today is the day you stop being broke.” I wore a suit that even loan app agents would fear, cleaned my shoe until my reflection was applying for a loan inside it, and walked into a bank.
The banker smiled, “Good morning sir, what can we do for you today?”
I smiled back confidently like someone who had ₦500 million in treasury bills. “I want to open a savings account,” I said proudly.
She asked, “How much will you be starting with?”
I whispered, “₦1,000.”
She paused. The printer even stopped printing.
She said, “Sir, you mean one thousand Naira?”
I said, “Yes. I just want to test how the banking system works.”
That was how I began my journey to financial freedom — with a freedom that didn’t even last one hour because I later used ₦800 from the account to buy suya and Coke. Till today, my account balance is like the Nigerian stock market — full of potential but always crashing.
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THE ONLINE BUSINESS I NEVER STARTED
They said, “Start an online business. That’s how to earn passive income while you sleep.” My brother, I tried. I started one affiliate marketing business that promised me 50% commission every 24 hours. I didn’t even understand what they were selling, but the way they said “commission,” I thought it was heaven’s investment program.
First day, they told me to refer two people.
Second day, they told me to buy a “crypto package.”
Third day, they told me the CEO had relocated to space.
Till now, my so-called “passive income” has been so passive that it passed away. Even my “referrals” have blocked me on WhatsApp. One of them even said, “Bro, may your investment rest in peace.”
Now I understand why they call it “financial risk.” Because after every online business, you’ll end up with emotional trauma and data loss.
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THE CRYPTOCURRENCY DISASTER
At one point, everyone around me was shouting, “Crypto! Crypto! Bitcoin is the future!” So I joined. I downloaded one crypto app and started feeling like Elon Musk’s cousin. I bought ₦10,000 worth of Bitcoin when it was high like heaven. The next day, Bitcoin fell faster than my blood pressure during NEPA blackout.
I checked my wallet — ₦10,000 had turned to ₦2,100. I called my friend,
“Bro, what’s happening?”
He said, “Don’t worry, it’s market correction.”
I said, “Correction? My life is the one correcting itself.”
From that day, I realized financial literacy is not for the faint-hearted. Especially when your literacy ends where your network connection starts buffering.
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FINANCIAL ADVICE FROM BROKE FRIENDS
Broke friends give the strongest financial advice.
They’ll tell you, “Bro, never keep your money in a savings account, use it to invest.”
But they’ll also tell you, “Abeg, borrow me small till my investment matures.”
One will say, “Don’t waste your time in 9–5 jobs. Build your own brand!”
But this same person has been “building his brand” for 3 years with zero customers and plenty motivation. Every day he posts quotes like, “Success is not for the lazy.”
Bro, success is not for the hungry either.
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THE STOCK MARKET MADNESS
Somebody once told me to invest in the stock market. He said, “It’s the safest way to build wealth.” I went online to buy shares, only to realize I didn’t even have enough to buy a full share. The platform told me, “You can buy fractional shares.” I laughed. Even my financial destiny has been fractioned.
After two weeks, the company’s share price dropped. My ₦5,000 became ₦2,700. I called my broker.
He said, “It’s long-term investment. Don’t panic.”
I said, “My brother, I’m not panicking. I’m just crying in installments.”
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CREDIT SCORE CONFUSION
Let’s talk about credit score. Abroad, they use credit score to determine your financial trust. In Nigeria, the only score they know is your loan app rating. Once you delay one repayment, every loan app on your phone starts sending threatening messages to your contacts. One even texted my pastor: “Your member is owing us ₦7,000 and he’s hiding behind prayer.”
Till today, I’ve learned that having a good credit history in Nigeria means you know how to dodge calls politely.
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INSURANCE PALAVA
One day, an insurance agent stopped me at the mall. He said, “Sir, would you like to insure your life, health, and future?” I said, “Oga, I’m just here to insure my hunger first.” He didn’t give up. He said, “Think of your loved ones.”
I said, “They already think of me every day — I’m broke.”
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REAL ESTATE AND REAL PROBLEM
They said, “Invest in real estate — land doesn’t depreciate.” So I decided to buy land. I went to see one agent who looked like he was selling paradise. He showed me land with a “C of O” that looked like WAEC result. I asked, “Is it genuine?”
He said, “Very genuine, sir. Even angels want to buy here.”
Two weeks later, I went to check the site — cows were grazing on my investment. I asked the herdsman, “Who owns this land?” He said, “Our ancestors.”
Since then, I’ve been investing in rice and beans — at least those ones are real assets I can see and eat.
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THE FOREX TRADING NIGHTMARE
Another financial motivational speaker told me, “Forex trading is the gateway to financial freedom.” I joined one online forex class. They said, “Don’t trade with emotions.” But when you lose ₦50,000 in 30 minutes, your emotion will trade itself.
The tutor was shouting, “Buy! Buy!” I bought. Next thing he said, “Sell! Sell!” I sold. At the end, he said, “Always follow market signals.”
I said, “Which signal? The only signal I see is my bank alert going down!”
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THE BUDGETING DISASTER
They said, “Create a budget to manage your personal finance.” I tried. My budget said:
Rent: ₦120,000
Food: ₦30,000
Data: ₦10,000
Savings: ₦20,000
But my salary was ₦50,000. My budget looked at me like, “So where are we getting the rest from, spiritual investment?”
At that point, I realized my real business is financial comedy — because everything about my account balance is a joke.
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INFLATION AND SUFFERING
Inflation is another evil spirit. Before, ₦500 could buy food for a small family. Now, ₦500 can’t even buy peace of mind. Even sachet water is looking at us like, “You think you can still afford me?”
You go to the market, tomato seller will tell you, “Madam, na dollar cause am.”
Dollar has now become the national excuse for everything — even heartbreak.
Girl: “Why did you break up with me?”
Boy: “It’s dollar rate, my dear.”
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HOW TO BE RICH WITHOUT MONEY
Every financial influencer says, “Think rich, act rich, and the money will come.”
I’ve been thinking rich since January. Money hasn’t come, but debt has found my location.
They also said, “Fake it till you make it.” So I faked it — wore suit, used perfume, posted “#BossLife.” Someone saw my post and asked, “Bro, can you sponsor my business?” I said, “Even my Wi-Fi is on loan.”
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THE PERSONAL FINANCE JOURNEY THAT LED NOWHERE
They say “personal finance is about discipline.” I agree. You’ll discipline yourself to eat once a day. You’ll discipline yourself not to cry when POS says “Declined.” You’ll discipline yourself to smile when your friends are talking about vacations, and you’re calculating transport to work.
Some people say, “Save 50% of your income.” Bro, I don’t even earn 50% of my life. How do I save something that never arrives?
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BUSINESS LOANS THAT LOAN YOU STRESS
Banks will tell you, “We support small businesses with loans.” But once you apply, they’ll ask for documents even Dangote can’t find.
Collateral
Business plan
Tax clearance
Your village birth certificate
At the end, they’ll reject you with grammar: “Your application did not meet our internal lending requirements.”
Meanwhile, they just approved ₦10 billion loan for someone’s cousin who sells pure air.
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THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT FINANCIAL FREEDOM
Let’s be honest: Financial freedom is not just about money — it’s about peace. Because once you’re broke, even your ringtone becomes annoying. Every call sounds like “Debt is calling.”
We all dream of owning businesses, having investment portfolios, and living in luxury. But before that, please — let’s start by owning food. Then we can move to owning financial goals.
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MY FINAL WORDS TO EVERY BROKE INVESTOR
Don’t give up. The journey to wealth is like NEPA light — it comes and goes, but one day, it will stay. Keep learning about investment, savings, business growth, and financial planning. But please, don’t let motivational speakers deceive you with “You can be a billionaire in 6 months.” The only thing you’ll become in 6 months is emotionally unstable.
Be wise, be patient, and remember — before you invest in cryptocurrency or forex, invest in jollof rice first. Because empty stomach and financial risk are not compatible.
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FINAL ADVICE
If your credit score is low, your debt is high, your insurance is a scam, and your bank account is shy — relax. You’re not broke; you’re just temporarily financially misplaced.
Keep grinding, keep saving, keep hustling.
And when next you hear someone say, “Money doesn’t buy happiness,”
Ask them to transfer ₦500k to your account — you’ll show them live evidence that happiness can be bought.
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