HOW MY FRIEND APPLIED FOR A BUSINESS LOAN WITH HIS XBOX GAMERTAG
HOW MY FRIEND APPLIED FOR A BUSINESS LOAN WITH HIS XBOX GAMERTAG
I have known my friend Marcus for over ten years, and in that time, I have witnessed exactly two things: first, an uncanny ability to turn any normal situation into a minor catastrophe, and second, an unparalleled dedication to video games that rivals the most disciplined stock market analysts. These two traits collided in a spectacularly hilarious way when Marcus decided to apply for a business loan using nothing but his Xbox Gamertag.
. Now, before you judge, let me remind you that Marcus is a serious guy… in his own way. He believes in investing, in financial independence, and in leveraging every possible opportunity to increase cash flow. He even reads articles on asset management, wealth accumulation, and strategic budgeting — as long as those articles also reference how to earn virtual currency in online games.
One sunny Tuesday morning, Marcus announced he had an idea. Not just any idea. A “million-dollar business idea” that could supposedly scale exponentially and generate a passive income comparable to Elon Musk’s net worth — or at least, enough to buy a fancy gaming chair without guilt. He wanted to start a small e-commerce venture selling “gamer lifestyle products,” which sounded like a combination of overpriced RGB keyboards and novelty energy drinks to me, but I nodded anyway, because friendship requires support, or at least fake enthusiasm.
Marcus, being Marcus, decided that the first step was obvious: obtain capital. Real money, not coins from Fortnite or V-Bucks. He needed a legitimate business loan.
This is where the hilarity begins.
Marcus had no traditional credit history. He had never owned a car, never had a credit card, and his savings account was mostly funded by loose change he found between his couch cushions. But he had something far more important: his Xbox Gamertag, “SlayerOfTheNoobs420.” And Marcus had decided that this Gamertag perfectly represented his brand identity, vision, and credibility as an entrepreneur.
“I will use my Gamertag as my business identity,” he said confidently. “Banks love branding, and nobody understands personal branding like a gamer.”
I laughed politely. I should have laughed louder.
He spent the next three hours filling out the online business loan application. He typed “SlayerOfTheNoobs420” in every field that required a name, including legal name, business name, and contact information. For his email, he used “slayer420@gmail.com.” For social media links, he included his Twitch, Discord, and Steam accounts.
The application asked for his business plan. Marcus uploaded a single PDF he created using Microsoft Paint. It featured hand-drawn charts, stick-figure projections, and a colorful pie chart labeled “Epic Loot Distribution.” There were graphs illustrating projected revenue streams from selling gaming snacks, energy drinks, and “strategic loot crates,” which I can only assume he thought would be taken seriously by a bank officer.
Next, the financial section. The application required proof of income. Marcus, in his infinite wisdom, uploaded screenshots of his Xbox achievements and Steam purchase history. The justification: “I consistently spend money on games, which demonstrates both financial literacy and commitment to the digital economy.”
I stared at the screen in disbelief.
Then came the most brilliant part: the collateral section. Marcus listed his gaming chair, his collection of limited-edition controllers, and — wait for it — his entire Xbox library. He argued that if the bank needed to liquidate his assets in case of default, they could sell these items to finance the loan. He even estimated resale values based on eBay listings.
I couldn’t stop laughing. My sides hurt.
Marcus, noticing my reaction, said sternly, “This is serious. Banks need innovation. Banks love gaming culture. Gamers are the new entrepreneurs.”
I nodded slowly, knowing that the world might not yet be ready for this level of financial ingenuity.
Days passed. Marcus received an automated response from the bank. It began professionally: “Thank you for your business loan application.”
Then it proceeded to the section that left Marcus in a mixture of rage, heartbreak, and existential confusion:
“We regret to inform you that your application cannot be processed at this time due to inconsistent personal identification information.”
Marcus did not understand the words “inconsistent personal identification information.” He thought the bank was simply jealous of his creativity.
He called the bank, demanding to speak with a loan officer. The officer, a kind human named Ms. Anderson, patiently explained that the bank could not approve a loan for a legal entity that only existed in the digital realm and whose identification was an Xbox Gamertag.
Marcus responded with a series of questions that demonstrated his entrepreneurial genius:
“Can I attach my Fortnite Battle Pass as an asset?”
“What about my Twitch follower count?”
“Do you consider in-game achievements as proof of financial responsibility?”
Ms. Anderson laughed politely, which only enraged Marcus further.
He hung up and declared to me that the banking industry is “old-fashioned” and “resistant to innovation.” I almost suggested he start a blockchain-powered decentralized bank, but I wisely chose to nod and sip my coffee instead.
Not to be defeated, Marcus attempted Plan B. He decided to submit his application in person at a local branch. He printed everything: his Microsoft Paint business plan, screenshots of achievements, and a full inventory list of his gaming assets, including approximate resale values. He even wore his limited-edition gamer hoodie, hoping this would convey professionalism and seriousness.
The bank teller, trying not to laugh, told him the loan officer was in a meeting. Marcus insisted on leaving his documents anyway. He handed the folder over and said, “This is a legitimate business plan. I am an entrepreneur. Do not underestimate the power of digital culture.”
The teller carefully placed the folder on a desk and said, “We will… review it.”
Marcus left the branch feeling victorious. He texted me:
“They will call me. They will see my vision. They will approve this loan.”
Two weeks later, the bank called. Marcus answered proudly.
The loan officer read the email politely, carefully navigating the explanation:
“Sir, after careful review, we cannot approve your application because the legal name on your loan does not match your government-issued identification. We also cannot accept a Gamertag as proof of identity or collateral. Your application is therefore declined.”
Marcus hung up, muttering something about “archaic financial systems” and “the downfall of human potential.”
I laughed so hard, I cried.
But Marcus is nothing if not resilient. By the next day, he had formulated a new plan: crowdfunding. He decided to start a GoFundMe titled “SlayerOfTheNoobs420: Bringing Gamer Culture to the Economy.”
He uploaded a video featuring himself in full gaming attire, passionately explaining how digital achievements translate to financial innovation. He offered perks like personalized shoutouts, digital coaching sessions, and limited-edition Xbox skins for donors.
The campaign raised… $37.
Marcus celebrated as if he had secured venture capital from Goldman Sachs. He sent me a text:
“David, this is proof. The market recognizes my value. The banks just weren’t ready.”
I could not argue. There was nothing to say.
This experience taught me many things:
1. Banks do not accept Xbox Gamertags as legal entities.
2. Digital achievements are not recognized as collateral.
3. Entrepreneurs will do insane things in the pursuit of funding.
4. Crowdfunding is a brutal but hilarious reality check.
5. Laughter is the best investment for mental health — guaranteed 100% ROI.
To this day, Marcus refuses to give up. He now consults blockchain experts, NFT advisors, and anyone who will listen to him about monetizing gamer culture. He remains convinced that someday, a bank will approve a loan for “SlayerOfTheNoobs420” and that he will revolutionize financial services.
And I, his friend, will be there to laugh, cry, and remind him gently that some financial systems are not yet ready for true genius.
But until that day comes, we will continue to invest in what matters most: snacks, humor, and the invaluable experience of watching a grown man try to secure a multi-thousand-dollar loan using a digital nickname.
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