MY UNCLE’S HILARIOUS EXPERIENCE WITH RETIREMENT PLANNING AT AGE 32
MY UNCLE’S HILARIOUS EXPERIENCE WITH RETIREMENT PLANNING AT AGE 32
My uncle is the only human being I know who wakes up in the morning, looks at his reflection, adjusts his shirt collar, and whispers to himself, “I need a retirement plan before breakfast.” Most people his age are thinking about career development, financial growth, or maybe buying the latest smartphone with a 0% APR financing plan. But not my uncle. At age thirty-two, he decided life had stretched him beyond capacity and it was time to “rest permanently but still earn passive income.”
. When he first announced his retirement plan, the entire family stared at him as if he had just applied for a mortgage loan on the moon. He gathered everyone in the living room, cleared his throat with the seriousness of a Wall Street investor, and declared, “I have worked enough in this life. It’s time to secure my financial freedom before I lose my remaining hair follicles.” Meanwhile, the last job he did was a three-month internship that paid him in lunch vouchers and emotional damage.
He sat down with a financial calculator he bought online during a holiday discount sale. The device still had the tag on it because he was scared to remove it—claiming that keeping the tag preserved its “resale value.” He placed it on the table like a sacred investment portfolio and typed numbers that made absolutely no mathematical sense. At one point, he typed in 7 + 4 and announced proudly, “According to my long-term compound interest projections, my retirement fund will hit $4.2 million by November.” Nobody asked him which November he was referring to.
To prepare for retirement, my uncle started watching online videos on how to build passive income streams. Instead of researching the stock market or understanding real estate, he found a video titled “HOW I RETIRED AT 19 USING ONLY MY TOASTER AND A DREAM.” He watched it with full concentration, nodding like he was listening to a national economic policy briefing. He paused the video every five seconds to take notes as if he was creating a global financial strategy. His notebook now contains deeply inspirational lines such as:
• “Believe in yourself, even if your bank account does not.”
• “The toaster is symbolic.”
• “Happiness is the true currency.”
Financial experts everywhere would be embarrassed.
After saturating his mind with online financial advice, he made a five-year economic plan. A very detailed one. A plan so detailed it looked like a merger between the Federal Reserve and a comedy show. He printed it on high-gloss paper for “professional ambiance.” The pages included his projected retirement lifestyle, complete with beachfront property, unlimited Wi-Fi, and occasional helicopter rides “for relaxation.”
Then came the moment none of us were prepared for: he scheduled a retirement party. At age thirty-two. Without having ever worked a full-time job. He invited neighbors, colleagues he met once at a wedding, his barber, and even the food delivery guy—because “every good retirement celebration needs a witness from the transportation sector.” He ordered a retirement cake that read: “GOODBYE STRESS, HELLO PASSIVE INCOME.”
The cake cost more than his entire savings account.
During the celebration, he gave an emotional farewell speech to his “working years.” He thanked his family for supporting him during his “long journey in the labor force,” even though the only time he worked consistently was when he played video games competitively. He raised a glass of sparkling juice and said, “I will never forget my years of service to society.” Everyone clapped politely because we did not know whether to laugh or call a financial counselor.
After his symbolic retirement, he tried to create a diversified investment portfolio to secure long-term financial stability. He started with cryptocurrency because it sounded futuristic. He downloaded a cryptocurrency trading app that looked like a neon casino, pressed buttons randomly, and somehow turned ten dollars into sixty cents. He considered it “a minor correction in the volatile global market.” He even blamed inflation, supply chain disruptions, and international oil prices. Anything except the truth, which was that he had completely no idea what he was doing.
Not satisfied, he joined a real estate webinar hosted by a man wearing sunglasses indoors. The presenter claimed he bought a luxury mansion using only “strategic mindset alignment and positive vibrations.” My uncle believed him instantly and almost tried to purchase an abandoned shed in a rural village as his “first income-producing asset.” He said, “It has strong rental potential.” The shed didn’t have doors.
In his quest for financial literacy, he printed inspirational quotes and placed them around the house. Quotes like “Invest in yourself,” “Your net worth follows your self-worth,” and “Every millionaire starts with a bold dream and a suspicious plan.” He walked around the house waiting for the universe to create wealth for him. Meanwhile, his bank app kept sending him notifications like, “Your balance is dangerously inspirational.”
One day, he announced he had discovered a revolutionary retirement strategy: side hustles. You would think this meant selling products online or offering digital marketing services. But no. My uncle decided to become a “professional morning motivational caller.” His service was simple: he would call people at 6 AM and shout, “Believe in yourself!” for ten dollars per call. He called it a premium subscription service. He marketed it as a self-development tool for high-performance individuals who wanted to start their day with “a strong psychological and economic advantage.”
He even made a flyer with his picture wearing a suit he borrowed from a friend. The flyer had financial keywords like “wealth generation,” “financial empowerment,” and “premium personal development solutions” printed in bold golden letters. Unfortunately, the only customer he had was a guy who accidentally pressed “subscribe.”
To further secure his retirement lifestyle, he attempted to write an ebook titled “THE SECRET TO EARLY RETIREMENT WITHOUT MONEY, EXPERIENCE, OR A PLAN.” It was a six-page document with large fonts and motivational statements that didn’t make sense. One page simply said, “Success is 80% vision and 20% vibes.” Still, he tried uploading it to an online marketplace under the “financial education” category. The platform politely rejected it for “excessive optimism.”
He then invested in online courses, believing education was the foundation of wealth-building. He enrolled in twelve “limited-time financial mastermind classes,” even though each course taught identical lessons. At the end of each lesson, the instructor would say, “The secret to wealth is already inside you.” My uncle took this personally. He stood in front of the mirror for twenty minutes trying to see if he could identify the “wealth molecule” hiding in his bloodstream.
His retirement journey took a wild turn when he decided to meet a real financial advisor. The advisor asked him basic questions like “What is your annual income?” and my uncle proudly responded, “Spiritually or realistically?” The advisor closed his laptop slowly, removed his glasses, and said, “Sir, please go home.”
But my uncle didn’t stop there. He created a retirement vision board with pictures of yachts, private jets, beachfront homes, and a fully stocked refrigerator that automatically refilled itself. He claimed these were essential components of long-term financial security. He placed the board directly above his bed so he woke up every day staring at a lifestyle he had no strategy to achieve. It motivated him deeply, but financially it was the equivalent of powering a factory using hopes and prayers.
One morning, he had a sudden epiphany while brushing his teeth. He rushed into the living room with toothpaste on his chin and announced he had discovered his final retirement plan: becoming an influencer in the financial motivation industry. His niche was “retirement encouragement for tired young adults.” He planned to post videos with captions like “It’s never too early to retire emotionally,” “Passive income is a mindset,” and “Burnout is just your spirit requesting luxury.”
He recorded his first video immediately. In it, he sat on a plastic chair, held a calculator like a microphone, and said, “If you want financial stability, start by believing your bank balance has potential.” The video got three likes: one from his barber, one from his neighbor’s dog account, and one from himself.
Despite zero progress, he told everyone his retirement was “developing gradually,” the same way a new business takes time to scale in the global economic environment. He compared himself to tech founders, investors, and billionaires. Meanwhile, he still borrowed Wi-Fi from the neighbor next door.
Months have passed since my uncle started his retirement planning at age thirty-two. His financial portfolio still contains a grand total of $11.72, a loyalty coupon from a supermarket, and the emotional support of his family. But he insists the journey is spiritual, and one day the “financial universe” will reward him for believing in his dreams like a courageous economic warrior.
To this day, he introduces himself to strangers as “a retired entrepreneur with strategic passive income initiatives currently under divine construction.” Every time he says it, his eye twitches slightly, and I’m never sure whether it’s stress or hope.
But honestly, watching my uncle attempt retirement planning at age thirty-two has taught me something important about personal finance: confidence can be more powerful than actual money. Courage can be louder than a shrinking account balance. And optimism can create more dramatic financial comedy than any investment strategy on the planet.
If early retirement had an official mascot, it would be my uncle—holding a calculator he doesn’t understand, making projections that violate basic mathematics, and living his best life with a retirement vision board that has more dreams than his savings account.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s the real secret to happiness.
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