MY UNCLE’S REAL ESTATE CRASH COURSE: HE THOUGHT MORTGAGE MEANS ‘MORE GARAGE
MY UNCLE’S REAL ESTATE CRASH COURSE: HE THOUGHT MORTGAGE MEANS ‘MORE GARAGE’
If there’s a person in the universe whose understanding of finance could single-handedly produce viral content, that person is my uncle.
Let’s call him Uncle Jerry.
Uncle Jerry is a man whose life philosophy combines misplaced confidence, misinterpreted financial terms, and a sense of humor that the global economy struggles to comprehend.
---
It all began when Uncle Jerry decided he was ready to invest in real estate.
. He had been watching infomercials, YouTube videos, and podcasts claiming that real estate investment is the fastest route to wealth accumulation.
His financial literacy was… let’s say, “enthusiastically creative.”
The first step in his journey? Mortgages.
Or as Uncle Jerry understood it: “More Garage.”
---
He called me one morning, full of optimism.
He said, “David, I just realized something. If I take a mortgage, I can literally get more garage for my money. I think I’m about to become a real estate mogul.”
I laughed nervously.
I explained to him that a mortgage is a loan for property purchase, not a vehicle storage expansion plan.
He nodded sagely and said, “Exactly. I knew they were hiding the best part.”
Apparently, the word “mortgage” only confused people who didn’t have an engineering mindset.
---
Uncle Jerry proceeded to research online properties like a financial analyst on steroids.
Every listing he saw, he measured the garage space.
Bedrooms? Who cares.
Bathrooms? Overrated.
Garage? That’s the gold standard.
He even began calculating return on investment based on how many cars could fit in the garage.
“I can fit three sedans, two motorcycles, and a golf cart. This property is basically printing money!”
I wanted to scream, but I knew Uncle Jerry’s financial theories were not to be questioned lightly.
---
He decided to apply for a home loan to fund his garage empire.
He went to the bank, smiling confidently, like a man who just invented credit.
The loan officer asked for his income, assets, and credit history.
Uncle Jerry proudly presented a single-page printout from his email that said, “Monthly Income: Enough to buy happiness.”
The loan officer blinked.
Blinked again.
Then he muttered something about “financial risk assessment” before showing Uncle Jerry the door.
---
Uncle Jerry, undeterred, turned to online lenders.
He typed “mortgage” into Google and carefully ignored the first 10 results about loans, credit, or interest rates.
Instead, he focused on images of garages.
“I can see it now,” he said, “a garage empire stretching across the city. My driveway will be legendary.”
He clicked on a mortgage calculator and entered random numbers.
The screen displayed monthly payments, interest rates, and amortization schedules.
He immediately interpreted it as “monthly garage growth projections.”
---
He began hosting family meetings to discuss his strategy.
He explained how, by buying multiple properties, he could maximize garage utilization, increase asset value, and diversify his parking portfolio.
I asked if he had considered long-term financial planning or risk management.
He said, “Risk management is knowing your garage can withstand hurricanes.”
I realized the family was no longer safe from financial comedy.
---
Uncle Jerry’s obsession escalated.
He purchased books on real estate investment, property portfolio diversification, and asset allocation.
He skimmed the chapters, ignoring everything except pictures of garages.
One book even explained mortgage amortization in detail.
Uncle Jerry read it and said, “Perfect. I’ll amortize my garages next weekend.”
He had officially transformed a centuries-old financial mechanism into a garage expansion game.
---
He also discovered online forums where real estate investors discuss property acquisition strategies.
He joined immediately, posting:
“Hi, I want to maximize garage space for investment purposes. Can someone advise on door width versus car value?”
The responses ranged from financial advice to polite concern.
One user wrote: “Sir, are you aware mortgages are loans, not garage subscriptions?”
Uncle Jerry responded with a GIF of a luxury SUV, captioned: “Exactly my point.”
He believed the internet fully supported his vision.
---
Next, he decided to “inspect properties.”
He brought measuring tape, laser distance sensors, and a small drone.
He measured garages meticulously: ceiling height, width, flooring material, even ventilation.
He skipped bedrooms entirely.
Bathrooms? Who cares?
When he finally found a house with a three-car garage, he declared victory.
“This is it. This is the Lamborghini penthouse of garages!”
I wanted to clarify that this didn’t make him a real estate mogul.
I realized logic had left the building.
---
The funny part?
He took out a loan.
Not just any loan.
A high-interest mortgage for the entire house, because the garage “had potential for exponential vehicle storage ROI.”
The bank had no idea why a man with three cars and zero savings wanted a massive mortgage.
But Uncle Jerry’s confidence was so persuasive that the bank approved it.
I now understood that optimism, when combined with financial ignorance, is extremely powerful.
---
He moved into the new house.
The garage was filled with… three cars, two bikes, and a shopping cart he called “investment diversification vehicle.”
He began telling neighbors how his property portfolio was growing.
They nodded politely, understanding that some financial decisions are best observed from a safe distance.
---
Soon, Uncle Jerry started giving real estate advice to anyone who would listen.
He said, “You must always choose property for its garage potential. Parking space is the new gold.”
He created a spreadsheet tracking every garage in the city, with columns labeled:
Car Capacity
Potential Rental Income
Garage-to-Bedroom Ratio
He had no concept of rental yield, property tax, or mortgage amortization.
But he was fully confident in his garage calculations.
---
Financial terminology became his playground.
“Equity? That’s just how many cars your garage can hold.”
“Appreciation? That’s when you buy a bigger garage next year.”
“Liquidity? That’s having space for a convertible.”
He even tried to explain diversification as owning multiple garages for different types of vehicles.
I laughed uncontrollably, but he insisted it was sound financial strategy.
---
One day, he hosted a “garage investment seminar” at our local community hall.
He invited neighbors, friends, and anyone with a vague interest in money.
He started with a slide presentation: “Maximizing Garage Returns in 2025.”
Graphs included number of cars per garage, potential revenue from bike storage, and a chart predicting Tesla appreciation.
The audience was equal parts confused and amused.
I realized this was not education.
This was pure comedy disguised as financial literacy.
---
Eventually, Uncle Jerry’s financial empire began to crumble.
He underestimated property taxes, homeowner insurance, and maintenance costs.
The mortgage payments were real, the interest was real, and unfortunately, the garage ROI was… imaginary.
He called me one night, despair in his voice:
“David, my garages are bleeding money!”
I asked if he had considered long-term financial planning.
He said, “No. But at least my cars are happy.”
---
Even after the crash, Uncle Jerry never lost confidence.
He said, “Next time, I’ll invest in garages with more windows. Natural lighting increases property value.”
He had redefined real estate investment forever.
Financial advisors may disagree.
Economists may sigh.
But Uncle Jerry’s garages are legendary in our neighborhood, and laughter is now his true ROI.
---
⭐ FINAL THOUGHT
If you ever feel intimidated by real estate jargon, high-interest mortgages, or financial planning strategies, remember this:
Some people, like Uncle Jerry, believe mortgage literally means ‘more garage.’
Some financial disasters are so absurd, they become hilarious.
Sometimes, the best investment in life is a good laugh — guaranteed positive ROI, zero risk, and compounding joy.
😂 Don’t Miss Out On The Madness!
I drop brand-new funny, wild, and brain-sparking stories every day at exactly 6 AM — yes, your early-morning dose of comedy! From “Naija wahala” to global comedy gist, I deliver laughter hotter than Lagos sun ☀️ Subscribe now or risk missing your daily dose of “hilarious wisdom”! 😎🔥
🚀 Join the laughter squad — your inbox will thank you later! 💌 #DavidDWriter | Daily 6 AM Comedy Post 😁
Comments
Post a Comment