MY FRIEND’S FAKE FINANCIAL GURU ADVICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE ASTROLOGY
MY FRIEND’S FAKE FINANCIAL GURU ADVICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE ASTROLOGY
I have met many questionable people in my life, but nothing prepared me for the day my friend, Kelvin, decided he was now a “Financial Guru.”
He didn’t read a finance book.
He didn’t take an online course.
He didn’t watch a YouTube tutorial.
He simply woke up one morning, wore a turtle-neck sweater, downloaded a stock-market wallpaper, and declared himself the “Oracle of Wealth Creation.”
. That was the day I realized some people don’t need caffeine.
They wake up naturally delusional.
---
Kelvin walked into my house the way motivational speakers stroll onto a stage—slowly, dramatically, and with the confidence of someone who has never succeeded at anything but still believes success is inside him somewhere, probably stuck behind cholesterol.
He sat down, crossed his legs like a billionaire who had just cashed out from selling a tech startup, and said:
“Bro, I’m now offering premium financial advisory services. My strategies are based on a mixture of behavioral economics, market psychology, and ancestral intuition.”
Ancestral intuition.
That was the moment I knew this would be a long day.
---
Before I could respond, he brought out a notebook labeled:
“FINANCIAL DESTINY BLUEPRINT—BETA VERSION.”
Beta version.
Meaning his money advice was still in testing mode.
This man wanted to test his financial advice on me the same way vaccines are tested on unsuspecting volunteers.
I knew it was foolish, but curiosity grabbed my neck.
So I allowed him to continue.
---
He opened the book dramatically, as if it contained ancient economic secrets Moses forgot to include in the Bible.
His very first advice was:
“Always check your bank account at exactly 3:33 a.m.
That’s when the universe releases new financial frequencies.”
I blinked.
Twice.
Because I wasn’t sure if he meant “financial frequencies” or “free madness.”
I asked him, “How does checking my account at 3:33 a.m. increase my income?”
He responded with absolute confidence:
“The law of financial attraction calculates your worth based on how spiritually awake you are when the world is asleep.”
Ladies and gentlemen…
This man basically told me poverty is caused by sleep.
---
He then moved to chapter two of his personal nonsense.
“Bro,” he said with a wise smile, “you need a wealth vision board. But not just any vision board. Yours must be placed in the freezer, because when your financial goals stay cold, they stay preserved.”
My brain stopped working for three seconds.
I asked, “Why the freezer?”
He said, “Cold goals last longer than hot goals.”
I nodded slowly, not because I understood anything, but because I didn’t want my brain cells to fight each other in public.
---
He continued flipping his notebook as though he was unveiling classified government documents.
Next advice:
“Never borrow money on Wednesdays.
It disrupts the economic moon cycle.”
Economic moon cycle.
Even astrologers would resign after hearing that.
I asked, “What about Thursdays?”
He said, “Thursdays are good for high-income opportunities, especially if Mercury is aligned with your bank’s transaction server.”
That was the moment I realized Kelvin wasn’t a financial guru.
He was an astrologer who failed science class.
---
To prove his “financial wisdom,” Kelvin showed me a chart he drew by himself. It had arrows, planets, zodiac signs, and something that suspiciously looked like Spiderman’s logo.
He explained:
“This chart shows the relationship between cryptocurrency volatility and your emotional vibration rate.”
My soul left my body temporarily.
I asked, “What is emotional vibration rate?”
He said, “It’s the speed at which your feelings move inside you. High vibration equals high profit.”
So apparently, if I get excited fast, Bitcoin will rise.
That must be why cryptocurrency keeps crashing—everybody is depressed.
---
He wasn’t done embarrassing the financial industry.
Kelvin leaned forward and whispered, “Bro, do you know the secret to passive income?”
I leaned forward too.
He said, “Avoid people with negative credit scores. Their energy reduces your bank alert frequency.”
I leaned back immediately.
This man had successfully combined financial advice, astrology, spiritual warnings, and village meeting proverbs into one terrifying soup.
---
When I thought it couldn’t get worse, he said:
“To attract high-paying investment opportunities, you need to talk to your wallet every morning. Whisper affirmations into it.”
I asked, “What kind of affirmations?”
He said, “Say: ‘You are powerful. You are magnetic. Wealth flows to you because you are a vessel of abundance.’”
I stared at him.
He wanted me to romance my wallet.
At this point, I wasn’t sure if he was a financial guru or a relationship therapist for leather products.
---
The peak of the madness came when he said:
“Before making any financial decision, you need to check your horoscope. For example, if you’re a Leo, avoid buying anything on sale because discounts shrink your lion energy.”
Shrink my lion energy.
So inflation is caused by horoscopes?
If Leos avoid discounts, does that mean Scorpios cause recession?
These were the questions attacking my spirit.
---
Kelvin then advised me to set up a wealth-protection ritual.
He said:
“Write your bank balance on a piece of paper, fold it three times, and keep it under your pillow.
That way, your dreams will negotiate higher income on your behalf.”
I asked, “Negotiate with who?”
He said, “With the universe.”
So now the universe is charging consultancy fees.
---
But the madness truly reached its final level when he told me:
“To increase your investment returns, you need to leave one coin under your bed every night. It symbolizes continuous cash flow.”
One coin.
Under my bed.
Because apparently the financial markets depend on coins hiding like fugitives under wooden furniture.
---
He kept going, giving me more chaotic advice than a malfunctioning chatbot.
“Invest in stocks only when you feel a tingling in your left elbow.”
“Never walk past ATMs during eclipse seasons.”
“Don’t eat beans on days when the stock market is bearish—it causes economic indigestion.”
“Never check your balance after crying. Tears reduce fiscal clarity.”
Every sentence felt like a punishment from the universe.
---
To wrap up his financial masterclass, Kelvin gave me the most outrageous advice of all:
“Bro, the number one rule of financial success is this:
If you want more money, you must first pretend you already have it. Spend boldly. Overspend confidently.
The universe rewards courage.”
That was not financial advice.
That was a suicide mission.
Overspending confidently is how people end up giving motivational speeches inside prison.
---
After seventy long minutes, he finally said:
“For all this, my consultation fee is just $199, but if you pay now, I give you a 30% spiritual discount.”
Yes.
He tried to upsell astrology-flavored financial nonsense to me for $199.
I refused politely.
Then he said, “Fine, bro, I’ll give you my premium wealth forecast for free. Next month, you will see extraordinary financial breakthrough.”
The next month, my electricity bill doubled.
Kelvin’s prediction came true—but not the breakthrough part.
Just the “something will happen” part.
Which is also how horoscopes work.
---
By the end of the day, I realized something powerful:
Kelvin wasn’t a financial guru.
He wasn’t even a fake guru.
He was a financial comedian who didn’t know he was doing stand-up.
Everything he said sounded like astrology trying to get a job in banking.
But somehow, he still believed he was the next Warren Buffett.
And every time I hear him say, “I see prosperity in your future,”
I lock my wallet.
Just in case the “universe” is listening and gets confused.
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