THE DAY I TRIED USING AI TO PICK STOCKS AND IT TOLD ME TO PRAY
THE DAY I TRIED USING AI TO PICK STOCKS AND IT TOLD ME TO PRAY
I have always considered myself moderately intelligent, especially when it comes to financial matters. I read articles, followed market trends, understood terms like diversification, ETFs, dividend yield, and capital gains, and occasionally pretended to understand cryptocurrency. So naturally, when I heard that AI could pick stocks better than any human, I thought, “Finally, the stock market oracle I’ve been waiting for.”
. I booted up my laptop, feeling like a financial wizard preparing for a ritual. My plan was simple: ask AI to pick stocks for me, invest, and watch my portfolio magically grow. I imagined checking my account in the morning to see green numbers dancing across the screen, accompanied by triumphant music and fireworks.
---
THE AI’S INITIAL RESPONSE
I typed: “Pick the best stocks to invest in right now for maximum growth.”
The AI paused. I imagined it thinking, calculating, and possibly having a mini existential crisis about humanity’s obsession with money. Then it responded.
“Invest in sectors with consistent growth, consider ETFs, monitor market volatility, and—oh, also pray.”
I blinked. I stared at the screen as if my Wi-Fi had malfunctioned. Pray? Pray to whom? Did AI just suggest divine intervention as part of financial strategy? Was this a glitch or a new feature called Spiritual Stock Guidance™?
---
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT
I sat back, trying to make sense of it. Was it a joke? A subtle warning about my reckless spending habits? Or had AI, in its infinite algorithms, decided that my financial IQ was dangerously low?
I couldn’t help but laugh. Imagine telling your banker, “I didn’t buy those failing stocks; the AI told me to pray first.” Somehow, the thought of machine-assisted spirituality in investing was both terrifying and hilarious. I almost expected the AI to recommend incense, chanting, and a candlelit meditation for portfolio stability.
---
THE STOCK MARKET PRAYER ROUTINE
Curious, I decided to follow the AI’s advice. I sat cross-legged in my living room, laptop open, eyes closed, and hands clasped. My prayer went something like this:
“Dear universe, financial gods, and mysterious algorithms, please guide my investments. Let my ETFs soar, my dividend yields be generous, and my stocks avoid catastrophic collapse. Protect me from the siren call of crypto scams and TikTok investment advice. Amen.”
I opened my eyes. The AI had not responded. I wondered if it was silently judging me. I imagined a robotic voice whispering, “Nice try, human. Now diversify.”
---
THE TRAGICOMIC RESULTS
I took its advice seriously—or as seriously as anyone can when praying to a laptop. The next week, my portfolio did… well, nothing. Stock prices fluctuated, my ETFs barely budged, and my emergency fund remained untouched.
But the humor lay in the irony. Here I was, using cutting-edge AI to make high-stakes financial decisions, yet my success depended on unseen cosmic forces. My bank account balance became a daily reminder that diversification, risk management, and market research can coexist with sheer absurdity.
I called a friend and explained my strategy: AI + prayer. He laughed so hard that he spilled his coffee on his laptop, and I realized I had accidentally created a new form of investment humor.
---
THE AI FINANCIAL ADVICE SAGA
Determined to understand the AI, I asked it more questions:
“Should I invest in tech stocks?”
“What about renewable energy ETFs?”
“Is Bitcoin still safe?”
The AI responded with its usual algorithmic elegance:
“Tech stocks may yield high returns but are volatile. Monitor trends and diversify.”
“Renewable energy ETFs have potential, but consider market cycles.”
“Bitcoin is unpredictable; hedge with safer assets. Also, pray.”
I began to notice a pattern. The AI was essentially saying, “Do everything responsibly and pray like your life depends on it.”
It was financial advice meets existential therapy. I was laughing and crying simultaneously. Could this be the future of investing? Financial literacy infused with spiritual guidance?
---
THE HILARIOUS SIDE EFFECTS
The funny part wasn’t just the AI’s advice—it was me. My friends started noticing my odd behavior: whispering to my laptop, bowing before checking stock prices, and occasionally mumbling about dividend reinvestment plans to unseen entities.
I had become a financial monk, a hybrid of day trader, philosopher, and comedian. Every ETF I bought felt like a spiritual quest, every dividend payout like a minor miracle. I even joked that my portfolio was blessed, though my checking account balance disagreed vehemently.
---
LEARNING THE FINANCIAL LESSON
Amidst the absurdity, I did learn a few things:
1. Diversification is critical – don’t put all your funds into a single meme stock, even if AI approves.
2. ETFs are friends – they spread risk across multiple assets, unlike my personal emotional volatility.
3. Dividends are delightful – receiving passive income is satisfying, whether or not you prayed for it.
4. Financial discipline matters – track expenses, invest wisely, and maybe keep a sense of humor.
---
THE MOST HILARIOUS MOMENTS
The peak of hilarity came when I asked the AI for a “high-yield investment for instant profit.” It responded:
“Consider a diversified portfolio of stocks, bonds, and ETFs. Rebalance monthly. Avoid high-risk speculation. Pray.”
I imagined the AI rolling its virtual eyes. I laughed so hard that I nearly fell off my chair. I realized AI didn’t just offer advice; it judged my financial impatience. And somehow, that judgment was hilarious.
---
THE LESSON IN FINANCIAL COMEDY
The moral is clear: finance is serious, but laughter is essential. Investing, budgeting, trading, understanding interest rates, portfolio allocation, market volatility, and debt-to-income ratios can be stressful, but if AI tells you to pray, maybe that’s a sign to laugh at yourself too.
I started sharing my story online. Followers asked how AI + prayer could possibly influence stock returns. I explained: it doesn’t. But the joy, the absurdity, and the humor of trusting a robot while whispering to the universe is priceless.
---
CONCLUSION
That day taught me that financial literacy isn’t just about spreadsheets, graphs, or ETFs. It’s about understanding risk management, investment strategies, and your own psychological quirks. And occasionally, it’s about praying to the algorithmic gods for mercy.
So if you ever feel lost in the world of stocks, bonds, ETFs, dividends, and passive income, remember: it’s okay to ask for help—even if that help comes with a side of divine intervention. Investing might not always be rational, predictable, or lucrative, but it can certainly be entertaining, absurd, and hysterically funny.
And when AI tells you to pray, just do it. Not because it will guarantee profits, but because it’s probably the most human, relatable, and ridiculously funny piece of advice you’ll ever get from a machine.
😂 Don’t Miss Out On The Madness!
I drop brand-new funny, wild, and brain-sparking stories every day at exactly 6 AM — yes, your early-morning dose of comedy! From “Naija wahala” to global comedy gist, I deliver laughter hotter than Lagos sun ☀️ Subscribe now or risk missing your daily dose of “hilarious wisdom”! 😎🔥
🚀 Join the laughter squad — your inbox will thank you later! 💌 #DavidDWriter | Daily 6 AM Comedy Post 😁
Comments
Post a Comment