MY HILARIOUS ATTEMPT AT RETIREMENT PLANNING AT AGE 24
THE DAY MY GUY TRIED BUDGETING AND HIS WALLET FILED FOR DIVORCE
If you’ve ever watched someone attempt financial planning with the confidence of a man who has only ₦2,800 in his bank account but the ego of a billionaire, then congratulations — you know exactly what I experienced the day my guy decided he was finally going to “take control of his financial future.”
. He woke up one Monday morning, looked at his empty wallet, looked at the sky like a wounded prophet, and declared:
> “From today forward, I will be disciplined.
I will budget.
I will save.
I will grow my investment portfolio.
I will increase my credit score.
I will achieve long-term financial stability.”
Beautiful speech. Inspirational even.
But that’s also exactly what people say minutes before destroying their lives with one foolish decision.
My guy downloaded six budgeting apps within five minutes — the type of apps that promise “financial literacy,” “cash flow management,” “smart investment strategy recommendations,” “daily budgeting reminders,” and “AI-powered personal finance insights.”
Three hours later, he was already more broke than before.
Let me explain.
---
The Budgeting App That Bullied Him
The first warning sign was when he opened the budgeting app and it asked:
“What is your monthly income?”
This guy stared at the question like it insulted his father.
He typed “Confidential.”
The app responded:
“Please enter a number.”
He sighed like someone preparing a confession in church and typed $0.
The app froze for three seconds, probably out of pity, and then said:
“We recommend increasing your income.”
My brother in Christ…
A budgeting app told him to go and work.
He closed the app immediately.
---
The Wallet That Filed for Divorce
After failing with the budgeting app, he decided to check his wallet manually, because “real men calculate their finances with their spirit and their mind.”
He opened the wallet.
One expired ATM card.
One faded receipt from April 2023.
One loyalty card from a restaurant that has already closed down.
And one lonely ₦100 note that looked like it survived war.
He sighed deeply and whispered:
> “This marriage is not working.”
The wallet, if it could speak, would’ve said:
> “It’s not you. It’s your financial irresponsibility.”
I swear I watched that wallet pack its invisible bags and leave him emotionally.
---
His Financial Goals Looked Like Netflix Fiction
He took a notebook and wrote:
1. Save $500 monthly
2. Build emergency fund
3. Start retirement savings
4. Reduce credit card debt
5. Increase credit score
6. Invest in cryptocurrency
7. Buy real estate in 2026
8. Achieve passive income
9. Be financially free by age 28
This man earns less than $150 a month.
He wanted to save $500.
He wanted to buy real estate in two years.
He wanted to retire early like he was Mark Zuckerberg’s forgotten cousin.
His financial goals were so unrealistic that even Netflix would reject them as a documentary idea.
---
The Inflation Problem He Discovered the Hard Way
He decided to create a “financially responsible grocery list.”
He wrote:
Rice
Eggs
Milk
Bread
Water
Toothpaste
“One small snack for happiness”
He took $20.
Twenty minutes later, he returned with only toothpaste.
He walked in looking offended by the economy itself.
> “Inflation is a spiritual attack.”
He sat down dramatically like a Nigerian actor in an old movie and said:
> “If this is how inflation will be behaving,
my future financial plan has been cancelled.”
---
His Investment Strategy Was Pure Madness
After failing budgeting and grocery shopping, he moved to investing.
Ah, let me tell you — if foolishness was an Olympic sport, he won gold that day.
He watched one YouTube video titled:
“HOW TO TURN $10 INTO $10,000 IN TWO WEEKS”
Two minutes in, he shouted:
> “This is the one! This is the financial breakthrough I’ve been looking for!”
He invested all the money in his transport fare.
Not half.
Not some.
All.
Thirty minutes later, the investment crashed like an underfed generator.
He looked at me and said:
> “I think the economy hates me personally.”
---
His Credit Score Entered Witness Protection
Then he remembered he had a credit card.
He checked his credit score with hope.
The screen loaded…
And loaded…
And loaded…
When the score finally appeared, even the phone dimmed its brightness out of shame.
The credit score looked like it was hiding from debt collectors.
The app suggested:
“Consider responsible spending habits.”
He dropped the phone on the table like it shocked him.
> “Responsible spending?
But how can I spend responsibly when I don’t even have money to spend irresponsibly?”
Valid question, honestly.
---
His Savings Account Had PTSD
He decided to check his savings account.
He typed his PIN confidently…
Saw the balance…
And screamed like someone seeing a ghost.
His balance was so low that even the banking app asked:
“Would you like financial advice?”
He pressed “NO,” because the truth was already hurting him.
---
His Retirement Planning Attempt Was The Funniest
My personal favorite moment of the day was when he opened a retirement calculator and typed:
Current Age: 24
Target Retirement Age: 30
Desired Monthly Retirement Income: $8,000
Current Savings: $0
Investment Contribution: $0
Employment Stability: ‘Not too stable but God is in control’
The calculator processed his data…
And replied with the most disrespectful financial calculation I have ever seen in my life:
“You will need to save $12,500 per month starting immediately.”
My guy looked at me like the calculator was threatening him.
> “Twelve what?
Twelve THOUSAND?
Is the calculator telling me to steal?”
I fell to the floor laughing.
---
When He Tried Using a Cash Flow Chart
To make himself feel better, he created a colorful “cash flow chart.”
He labeled one big box INCOME.
He labeled three gigantic boxes EXPENSES, DEBT, and UNPLANNED SPENDING.
He stared at the chart for a long time.
Then said:
> “Why is my life structured like a financial crisis documentary on Amazon Prime?”
---
He Attempted a ‘Frugal Lifestyle’ For 2 Hours
My guy declared:
> “From today, I will practice a minimalistic spending habit.”
Two hours later, he ordered shawarma.
An hour after that, he ordered a smoothie.
Thirty minutes later, he subscribed to a streaming service he doesn’t even use.
By evening, he said:
> “Frugal living is poverty in disguise.”
---
He Tried a “No-Spend Challenge”
He said:
> “For the next 24 hours, I will not spend a dime.”
Two hours later, he bought biscuits.
He justified it by saying:
> “Technically, snacks are not spending.
Snacks are mental health investments.”
---
He Attempted ‘Passive Income’ And Failed Instantly
He googled:
“How to make passive income fast.”
The first suggestion was:
“Sell an online course.”
He had no skill.
No expertise.
No knowledge.
No experience.
But he already started designing the course cover.
Then he said:
> “Wait… what exactly will I teach?”
He closed the laptop.
---
When He Realized Financial Literacy Is Not Motivation
My guy finally admitted defeat around 7:32PM.
He lay down on the floor like someone who just returned from battle.
He said:
> “I think financial education is a scam.
Budgeting is a scam.
Savings are a scam.
Investments are a scam.
The only thing that is real is suffering.”
I told him:
> “Bro, nothing is a scam.
You’re just financially unserious.”
He nodded slowly and whispered:
> “Maybe my destiny is not in personal finance. Maybe I was created for vibes.”
---
The Wallet’s Final Goodbye
At the end of the day, he picked up his wallet again.
He opened it.
Empty.
Silent.
Hopeless.
He sighed and said:
> “This relationship cannot continue.
My wallet deserves better.”
I swear that wallet spiritually packed its bags and left the house.
---
FINAL LESSON (ACCORDING TO HIM, NOT ME)
If you ask him today what he learned, this is his official statement:
> “Financial planning is easy.
The problem is money.”
Honestly…
He might be right.
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