MY FRIEND’S RETIREMENT PLAN THAT LOOKS LIKE A MEME
MY FRIEND’S RETIREMENT PLAN THAT LOOKS LIKE A MEME
If there is one thing that has convinced me that financial planning might actually be a spiritual calling, it is my friend’s retirement plan. Because the moment he showed it to me, my brain didn’t process it as a financial strategy. It processed it as a viral meme, the kind you see on social media with 250,000 likes and a comment section full of people tagging their friends saying, “This is literally you.”
And yes — he is proud of it.
. He believes he has crafted the ultimate wealth-building blueprint. The kind of retirement roadmap that he thinks financial advisors will one day use in expensive online courses with titles like “How to Build Passive Income While Sleeping, Snoring, and Ignoring Your Responsibilities.”
Meanwhile, the rest of us are looking at his “plan” and wondering if we need to call customer service for his brain because something is clearly not working.
Before I tell you the plan, let me just warn you:
If you are eating, put the food down.
If you are drinking water, swallow it first.
If you are sitting on a chair with weak legs, find something stronger.
Because this thing you’re about to read might make you laugh so hard you accidentally submit a loan application.
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THE GRAND RETIREMENT PLAN (SPOILER: IT IS NOT GRAND)
So my friend sits me down with the seriousness of someone about to announce a billion-dollar investment portfolio.
He clears his throat. He adjusts his shirt. He even locks the door to prevent “distractions,” as if we are inside a secret Wall Street board meeting.
Then he opens his notebook — a notebook that looks like it survived a hurricane — and proudly reveals:
“My retirement plan is simple:
I will save money when I feel like it.”
I stared at him the same way financial auditors stare at companies that suddenly report “mysterious expenses.”
He continued:
“Bro, that is the key to long-term financial stability. I will save money… when the spirit moves me.”
The spirit.
Not a budget.
Not a savings account.
Not an investment portfolio.
Not a retirement fund.
Not even a digital banking app.
The spirit.
A spirit that apparently takes long vacations and doesn’t text back.
At this point, even Google AdSense would reject his plan for low-value content.
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HE THINKS FINANCIAL FREEDOM IS AN EMOTION
This man truly believes that wealth creation is something you manifest by mood.
If he wakes up feeling motivated, he saves $10.
If he wakes up feeling lazy, he spends $200 on food delivery.
If he wakes up feeling confused, he checks his balance and becomes even more confused.
According to him:
“Money is energy, so I’m aligning my frequencies with abundance.”
Sir.
Your frequency is oscillating between denial and nonsense.
If financial literacy were a course, he would need six carryovers.
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HIS RETIREMENT AGE? NONSENSE. PURE NONSENSE.
I asked him, “So what age do you want to retire?”
He said, “Around 45.”
I said, “With what savings?”
He said, “With positive vibes.”
Positive vibes.
I had to sit down and re-evaluate my entire circle of friends.
At this point, even the Central Bank would recommend deleting him from your social contacts for your own financial safety.
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HIS INVESTMENT STRATEGY SHOULD BE STUDIED IN A COMEDY LAB
This is where it gets worse.
His investment strategy includes:
Buying snacks “in bulk” and calling it a “diversified portfolio.”
Participating in giveaways on social media and calling it “high-risk, high-return opportunities.”
Saving receipts “for tax purposes,” even though he earns no taxable income.
Holding onto old shoes because “they might become vintage assets.”
Telling himself every morning that one day he will win the lottery.
Saying his dreams count as “visualized income.”
Believing that if he screenshot motivational quotes about passive income, the passive income will appear.
I am not joking.
This man believes that affirmations are a retirement plan.
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HE HAS A PH.D. IN DISTRACTIONS
Whenever he tries to research financial planning, he gets distracted within 14 seconds.
One time he opened a YouTube video titled “How to Build Wealth Through Smart Investing.”
By the 10-second mark, YouTube recommended a documentary titled “Why Cats Fight at 3 AM.”
He clicked it.
Two hours later, he was watching a tutorial on how to cook lemon pepper wings.
Four hours later, he forgot he ever wanted to learn about investing.
His financial literacy journey is like trying to download a file with bad network:
It will reach 99% and then restart.
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HIS RETIREMENT SAVINGS ACCOUNT IS A GHOST
I once asked him, “Do you have a retirement savings account?”
He said, “Yes, of course.”
I said, “How much is in it?”
He said, “Well… currently… spiritually… emotionally… it is strong.”
Spiritually strong.
Financially useless.
He added, “I plan to deposit money into it as soon as I stop impulse buying.”
Which means the account will remain empty until further notice.
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HIS BUDGETING SYSTEM SHOULD BE ILLEGAL
His budgeting logic goes like this:
See money.
Touch money.
Smell money.
Spend money.
Regret spending money.
Google “how to be rich fast.”
Save a motivational quote.
Repeat.
One day I recommended a financial planning app.
He downloaded it, opened it, saw the word “discipline,” and uninstalled it immediately.
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HE TRUSTS DESTINY MORE THAN COMPOUND INTEREST
He believes destiny will make him rich.
Not hard work.
Not financial strategy.
Not savings.
Not income diversification.
Not long-term investment.
Destiny.
He said, and I quote:
“Bro, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. Why stress?”
I told him, “Because if you don’t stress now, you will stress at old age.”
He said, “No problem. I will handle it when the time comes.”
Sir, at that time your bones will be making sound effects.
That is not when you start planning for retirement.
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HE THINKS HIS FUTURE CHILDREN WILL SPONSOR HIS RETIREMENT
He told me confidently:
“My children will take care of me. That is part of their purpose.”
Purpose?
Your children are not investment assets.
They are not passive income sources.
They are not human retirement funds.
At this point, I am praying for his unborn children because they already have responsibilities waiting for them in HD quality.
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HE MAKES FINANCIAL DECISIONS LIKE A NETFLIX RECOMMENDATION
Every time something trends online, he tries to invest in it.
Crypto trend? He invested.
NFT trend? He invested.
AI coins? He invested.
Unknown meme coin with a dog wearing sunglasses? He invested.
Somebody on TikTok said garlic water can attract wealth? He drank it.
Meanwhile, he still doesn’t know what “ROI” means.
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THE DAY HE EXPLAINED HIS RETIREMENT MATH, I ALMOST CALLED THE AUTHORITIES
He proudly showed me his mathematical calculation for retirement:
“If I save $20 once in a while, and I get lucky, and maybe something happens, and possibly I get rich unexpectedly, then mathematically I will retire early.”
Mathematically?
Bro, that is not mathematics.
That is wishful thinking mixed with hallucination.
If banks used his formula, the global financial system would collapse before lunchtime.
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THE REALITY CHECK CAME — AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL
One day, he decided to check his “long-term savings.”
He opened the account.
The balance said:
“$0.00
Available Balance: Your hope and dreams.”
I have never seen someone close a banking app so fast.
He looked at me and said:
“I think my retirement plan needs adjustment.”
You think?
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THE FINAL CONCLUSION (AND FREE FINANCIAL ADVICE)
My friend’s retirement plan taught me two things:
1. Financial planning is important.
2. If you don’t plan your money, your money will leave you for someone who does.
So please — for your own good — do not base your entire financial future on emotions, vibes, luck, destiny, motivational quotes, or the spiritual leading of your debit card.
Use:
A real savings account.
A real retirement fund.
A real investment plan.
Real budgeting strategies.
Real financial literacy.
Real passive income tools.
Because if your retirement plan looks like a meme…
Your future will look like a meme too.
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